The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Online Free PDF

sound a little cruel. But mama birds throw their babies out of treetops onto the hard ground—which has got to hurt a lot more than a little walk.
    And don’t worry. Somebody will take in your stray kid and give him a good home. Maybe even a better one than the one he was born into.
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    Rednecks’ Four Favorite Actresses
    1. Sally Field ( Smokey movies)
    2. Polly Holliday (Flo on Alice )
    3. Roma Downey ( Touched by an Angel )
    4. Dolly Parton ( Best Little Whorehouse in Texas )
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Lip-Smackin’ Snacks for Kids
    It’s outrageous, but true: These days, cookies and candy cost more than a box of snuff. Moon Pies and Little Debbie cakes are about the only bargains left in stores.
    Instead of wasting all that money on store-bought treats, make your own snacks at home using Annie’s simple recipes:
    â€¢ Dip chunks of Spam in candy-apple sauce, stick a toothpick in each chunk, and put a plateful in the refrigerator. They’ll go faster than fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches at a convention of Elvis impersonators.
    â€¢ Whip up homemade carrot candy faster than your kids can say “Bugs Bunny.” Just slice some carrots and fry them in butter. Then mix in a batch of brown maple sugar and a little water to make a syrup.
    Take the candy out of the skillet and let the sticky coat harden. If your young’uns don’t lose all their teeth from eating carrot candy, they’ll love it and won’t ever ask for Gummi Possums again.
    â€¢ In the winter, treat your kids to “snow cream”—which is merely ice cream made with snow. Fill bowls with new-fallen snow, pour on some Carnation canned evaporated milk and some sugar, and mix the stuff up real good with a spoon.
    One word of warning: Steer clear of scooping snow from anywhere close to the outhouse. You might end up carrying that “all-natural ingredients” craze a bit too far.
    â€¢ Make your own yummy cookies using graham crackers—which was one of Reverend Billy’s greatest inventions ever.
    Get a box of cheap store-brand graham crackers and smear some potted meat on them. The crackers will satisfy your kids’ sweet tooth. And the potted meat will provide their Recommended Daily Allowances of cooked pork fatty tissue, beef tripe, and vinegar.
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    Rednecks’ Five Favorite Restaurants
    1. Denny’s (cheap Grand Slams)
    2. Shoney’s (all-you-can-eat breakfast bar)
    3. Stuckey’s (yummy pecan desserts)
    4. Waffle House (great cheese ’n’ onion hashbrowns)
    5. Mom’s Kitchen, Lake Worth, Florida (try Mike’s ribeye steak omelet!)
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    The Real Dirt on Eatin’ Right
    Little redneck young’uns also like to eat dirt, and there’s plenty of it in the nursery. Go ahead and let ’em chow down—dirt is packed with nutrition!
    Rufus McKinney’s old lady, Aldie, says she read somewhere that all the minerals a body needs are found in plain old dirt. So why waste money on store-bought “supplement” pills?
    But if you live in Georgia, don’t let your kids eat too much red clay. It’ll clog up their innards and give them such a god-awful case of constipation that you’ll have to call Roto-Rooter.
    Supplement their dirt intake every now and then with some milk and blackberries to keep ’em in real good shape. Buttermilk’s good, too.
    One of the healthiest country dishes is “killed” greens. Pick some kale or lettuce, fry a few strips of bacon, and pour the hot grease over the greens. When they wither up like worms on hot concrete, they’re ready to eat.
    This Is Your Brain on Fried Eggs
    Kids need more than snacks and dirt to keep ’em going after they get past three. And the saying at our house is “Give a damn—give ’em Spam.”
    To rednecks, Spam is nature’s most perfect food. We figure nine out of ten cans of Spam are sold in the South (the other can gets shoplifted in