The Nice Girl Syndrome Read Online Free PDF Page A

to see only the good side of others?
Why do some women always blame themselves?
Why is it that so many women have difficulty confronting those who hurt or anger them?
Why is it, in these enlightened times, that women continue to sacrifice themselves for their mates, their friends, and their bosses?
Why is it that females who are abused as children often end up being revictimized as adults, whereas males who are abused as children often end up becoming victimizers?
How do women, in some ways, play a role in their own victim- ization?
    You’ll learn the myriad ways that being nice prevents you from achieving the success and happiness that is rightfully yours. The Nice Girl Syndrome will show you how girls and women are socialized to be nice and how this socialization sets them up for failure, unhappi- ness, and even abuse. Most important, it will show you how to trans- form yourself from a Nice Girl to a Strong Woman.
    T HE H IGH P RICE OF B EING T OO N ICE 21

    Nice Girls versus Strong Women
    Strong Women are not girls at all. The word girl is supposed to be used to describe young females—not grown women. Yet the word girls is often used to describe even mature women. This may serve to make women feel younger, but it also takes away their power. For this reason, apart from our term “Nice Girls,” we will use the word woman exclusively when talking about any female over the age of eighteen.
    So how do we differentiate a Strong Woman from a Nice Girl?
Strong Women have learned that niceness does not guarantee that others will treat them fairly or with respect. They know that by being too nice, they actually encourage others to walk all over them. They’ve learned they have to earn respect by first respecting themselves and then by demanding the respect of others.
Strong Women never put their safety or their self-esteem aside to please someone else or to keep a man. If someone acts inappropriately or abusively in any way (including becoming emotionally abusive), Strong Women stand up for themselves and make it abundantly clear that they will not tolerate the abuse. If this doesn’t work, they walk away.
Strong Women want men in their lives but not at the price of their safety, their children’s safety, their self-respect, their self- esteem, or their peace of mind.
Strong Women know what they want and believe they have a right to have it and can figure out by themselves how to go after it. They don’t walk over anyone along the way, but they don’t let anyone walk over them, either.
Strong Women respect the rights of others, but if their own rights are not honored and respected, they know how to stand up for themselves.
Strong Women realize their voices have power, so instead of remaining silent to avoid displeasing someone or hurting someone’s feelings, they let people know where they stand on important issues. They understand it is far more important to be true to themselves and their beliefs than for someone to like them.
    22 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME

Strong Women work toward making themselves the best ver- sion of themselves they can become and then expect others, especially men, to accept and appreciate them the way they are. They aren’t willing to change just to please someone else, and they have the wisdom to realize that if someone doesn’t accept them there is always another who will.
Strong Women have learned that a lot of feminine behavior and attitudes simply no longer work (for example, that women need men to support and protect them). They’ve had the courage to discard these outdated beliefs and ways of acting and to embrace an entirely different way of life. For example, in the past being nice could get a woman pretty far. If she was a Nice Girl, people looked upon her fondly and went out of their way to treat her well. If she was a Nice Girl, she gained a good reputation in her community. Boys treated her with respect and protected her from danger—including from the lurking eyes and lurching