were piled high
with steaming sausages, sizzling cayenned kidneys, leathery baked potatoes, and dozens
of glistening fried eggs, like so many miniature suns. We called for peppered chops and
bitter beer, but no sooner had they arrived than it was announced that Mr Le Grice – well
known to many of the company – would sing a comic song.
As Le Grice made his way tipsily towards the stage, to raucous applause, I slipped
quietly away. The rain was falling with renewed intent; but London, the unsleeping
Leviathan, with its incalculable surpluses of brilliance and vileness, together with the
undemanding company of dear old Le Grice, had done its work.
I was myself again. ?
3:
Praemonitus, praemunitus?
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The following day, Bella and I walked out in the Regent’s Park. It was an
unusually fine afternoon for October in London; and so, after looking at the elephants in
the Zoological Gardens, we sat for some time by the ornamental water, talking and
laughing in the pale autumn sunshine. Towards four o’clock, the air began to grow chill,
and so we made our way back towards the gates that lead out into York-terrace.
Near the entrance to the gardens of the Toxophilite Society,? Bella stopped and
turned to me.
‘Kitty wishes me to go with her to Dieppe tomorrow.’
‘Dieppe? Whatever for?’
‘Dearest, I have told you before. It is where her mother was born, and she has
determined to retire there. There is a house she has coveted this past year, and it is now
for sale. She wishes me to go with her to view it.’
‘And you will go?’
‘But of course.’ She laid a gloved finger gently across my cheek. ‘You don’t
mind, do you, dear? Say you don’t – it will only be for a day or so.’
I told her I did not mind in the least, though in truth the thought of not having the
comfort of her dear person near me at this time of impending crisis unsettled me. But I
hate to show weakness or dependence, even to those I am fond of – it is a fault of mine
that I have often tried to mend, without success; and so I told her, with convincing
nonchalance, that I would be out of town myself, managing thereby to insinuate that I
would be too occupied with my own affairs to give heed to any thought of her that might
arise. I feigned my indifference too well, however, for she instantly removed her hand
from my cheek and looked at me sternly.
‘Well, then’, she replied, ‘I may as well stay on in Dieppe a little longer, as Kitty
wishes me to. I’m sure there will be gentlemen aplenty who will be glad to entertain me.’
Now it had never before troubled me that Bella’s profession required her to be,
shall we say, companionable to other fellows; what services she performed for Kitty
Daley’s select circle of gentlemen had concerned me little. Not wishing to be possessed
by her, I had gladly acknowledged Bella’s liberty to follow her chosen employment for as
long as she wished. But this accommodating attitude, I already knew, had begun to irk
her somewhat, and from time to time lately she had tried to arouse in me some spark of
jealousy – which I believe ladies often interpret as a form of flattery. Her present attempt
was transparent enough, but the truth was that it was unnecessary. I could no longer
affect indifference: I was jealous of others enjoying that sweet body; and yet, once again,
my foolish inability to admit what I truly felt made me say entirely the wrong thing.
‘You must do as you please,’ I told her, in a hard, careless tone. ‘I have no hold
over you.’
‘Very well,’ said Bella, ‘I shall indeed please myself.’
With which she gathered up her skirts and walked angrily away.
Now this I could not allow, for I hated to see her upset and angry; and so I forced
myself – for some portion of me still revolted against any sign of capitulation – to call
after
Stephanie Pitcher Fishman