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Dallas, who uses the “current events” bluff tactic to distract initial conversations away from awkward, premature focus on body parts. John says, “My way of dealing with new guys who only focus on the physical and start conversations with phrases like ‘Great arms!’ is to turn into a gay Larry King and start a discourse on world events. You find out quickly if the guy has a brain, and if he’s actually interested in you as more than a slab of meat.”
    Finally, don’t react strongly to any initial comments from a guy. Don’t back off too quickly. But don’t beam like the prom queen as you field compliment after compliment, either. Hesitating a little allows your object of affection to step up to the plate, realize you are nobody’s pushover, and try a new approach with you.

5
    EAGER BEAVERS GNAW QUICKLY, THEN DROWN

    Be a Zen beaver . . . your dam will come.
    I think we all like the poetic idea of a relationship evolving from a friendship that somehow catches fire. When I mention this to my gay Saturday-morning coffee klatch, after they stop laughing their asses off we all agree that this is as rare as finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.
    We are hungry for a really good meal, but instead, we are the fast-food generation, expecting to see golden arches and drive-in windows along each stretch of the freeway of love. Many gay men—many men, in general—feel that romance should be fast and furious. You have a strong, immediate lusty thirst that must be quenched. And, for the majority of us with inherent male pride issues, we need to know immediately that the object of our affection wants us as well. Especially in this digital and cellular communications era, instant gratification just seems too slow.
    Give it time! You don’t always have to meet him and know instantly that he’s the one. In fact, a sure sign that he may be the one is that sudden panic once you realize he is a serious contender. One of the downfalls of liking him is that you must then face your fears of inadequacy, intimacy, and commitment. Faced with a possible match, you naturally feel the desire to flee, heading south to the border.
    Joel, a thirty-three-year-old science teacher from Long Island, says, “If he doesn’t call you back for a week after you have sex, it’s fifty-fifty whether he never wants to see you again or has fallen deeply in love.”
    When I first started dating, I thought it was important to call someone the next day if I had a really great time, especially if sex was involved. I usually said, “I had a great time, hope to see you again soon.” What they’d hear was “I am so madly in love with you that I now claim all your free time as mine. Say good-bye to being single. I own you.”
    Gay men are like straight men in this instance. Men just take longer to process a date. Men and women define the “acceptable amount of time to call after a date” differently. For many women, an acceptable amount of time is probably a couple of days (come on, ladies, don’t lie and say it’s longer). For a man, it can be a week, or longer.
    Sadly, some expect relationships to be linear. That is, you meet, date a few times, fall in love, and spend all your time together. In truth, for gay men, a more workable model is that you meet, sleep together ASAP, date a few times, don’t see each other for three months as you both “process” and date every man in sight to make sure you aren’t missing anything, meet again by chance, date a few more times, sleep together the night before you both go on separate vacations with other friends, write a postcard here or there over the next two weeks, cancel at least three dates once you both get back, date a few more times, and a few years later—voilà, you are a gay success story with commitment ceremony, rainbow rings, and both of your mothers’ silver settings newly