The Last Temptation Read Online Free PDF Page A

he’d often been too scared to sleep, demons of bewilderment keeping him edgy and uneasy.
    If his unintentional sins had been on a more serious seal still, he would dc made to spend the night standing in a con* of his grandfather’s bedroom, with the glare of a 150wa bulb directed into his face in a narrow beam. The light th leaked into the room didn’t seem to bother his grandfathe who snored like a pig through the night. But if the boy sanj exhausted to his knees or slumped in standing sleep againji the wall, some sixth sense always woke the old man. Afta that had happened a couple of times, the boy had learned tj force himself to stay awake. Anything to avoid a repetition that excruciating pain in his groin.i
    If he had been judged as wantonly wicked, some childisl game a contravention of protocol that he should have instincj lively understood, then he’d face an even worse punishment He would be sent to stand in the toilet bowl. Naked and shi^ ering, he’d struggle to find a position that didn’t send shooting cramps up his legs. His grandfather would walk intl the bathroom as if the boy were invisible, unbutton hij trousers and empty his bladder in a stinking hot stream owe his legs. He’d shake himself, then turn and walk out, neve: flushing after himself. The boy would have to balance himself j one foot in the bottom of the pan, soaking in the mixturej of water and urine, the other bracing on the sloping side o| the porcelain.
     
    The first time it had happened, he had wanted to vomit He didn’t think it could get any worse than this. But it did of course. The next time his grandfather had come in, he’c dropped his trousers and sat down to empty his bowels. The boy was trapped, the edge of the seat cutting into the soft swell of his calves, his back pressed against the chill wall olj
     
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    the bathroom, his grandfather’s warm buttocks alien against his shins. The thin, acrid smell rose from the gaps between their flesh, making him gag. But still his grandfather behaved as if he were nothing more substantial than a phantom. He finished, wiped himself and walked out, leaving the boy to wallow in his sewage. The message was loud and clear. He was worthless.
    In the morning, his grandfather would walk into the bathroom, run a tub of cold water, and, still ignoring the boy, he’d finally flush the toilet. Then, as if seeing his grandson for the first time, he would order him to clean his filthy flesh, picking him up bodily and throwing him into the bath.
    It was no wonder that as soon as he’d been able to count, he’d measured off the hours until they returned to the barge. They were never ashore for more than three days, but when his grandfather was displeased with him, it could feel like three separate lifetimes of humiliation, discomfort and misery. Yet he never complained to any of the crewmen. He never realized there was anything to complain about. Isolated from other lives, he had no option but to believe that this was how everyone lived.
    The understanding that his was not the only truth had come slowly. But when it came, it arrived with the force of a tidal wave, leaving him with a formless craving that hungered for satisfaction.
    Only on the water did he ever feel calm. Here, he was in command, both of himself and the world around him. But it wasn’t enough. He knew there was more, and he wanted more. Before he could take his place in the world, he knew he had to escape the pall that his past threw over every single day. Other people seemed to manage happiness without trying. For most of his life, all he had known was the tight clamp of fear shutting out any other possibilities. Even when
     
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    there was nothing concrete to cause trepidation, the fain flutter of anxiety was never far away.
    Slowly, he was learning how to change that. He had as mission now He didn’t know how long it would take him to! complete. He wasn’t even sure how he would know he had 1 completed it, except