The Lake Read Online Free PDF

how arrogant you are? I had told myself. You’ve got to change that . And I’d believed it.
    But after I met Nakajima and saw how he dove into each day, though only doing the bare minimum, only what he liked, I realized that I was exactly like my mother—the way she tried to be what others wanted her to be, because she was afraid to be different. I had that same fawning impulse, too.
    And when it occurred to me that being that way really wasn’t going to help me get through the rest of my life, I realized that from now on, my mom’s life and mine would have to be completely, unmistakably different. Nothing about us was the same: the times we lived in, the ways we regarded the world, the things we valued. That wasn’t to say I didn’t love my mom, or that I couldn’t respect or forgive her. That’s not what I mean.
    Tremulously peeling back that film of false sympathy, I discovered a smooth new willingness to let bygones be bygones forming like new skin underneath.
    Something flashed in my mind when I discovered that feeling inside me: So this is what it means to grow up . And I realized, rather late, that Nakajima, who had been on his own for ages, had also been an adult for a very long time.
    And not just an adult: frail as he seemed, he was also a man.
    “So if I’m like this, Chihiro, it’s not because you’re not attractive. I’m sorry.”
    Nakajima peered awkwardly at me in the dimly lit room as he said this.
    “You don’t have to apologize. Besides, who said I want you to do anything? How do you know what I’m feeling?” I said.
    “What? I thought women were like that,” Nakajima said. “They always get angry if I don’t try to come on to them after a while, once we get friendly.”
    “I’m not angry yet. Besides, we’re kind of still in the process of getting friendly, or maybe that’s not quite right, I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it,” I said. “So relax.”
    “Okay. It’s just that all kinds of things happened to me. A long time ago. And so it’s like, that kind of stuff, it scares me so much, really, I hate it so much I shudder just thinking about it. Getting naked with people and stuff. People being naked. I’m so scared I can’t even go to a public bath or a hot springs or anything—do you believe me?” Nakajima said.
    I had no idea what had happened, but clearly it was pretty serious.
    When someone tells you something big, it’s like you’re taking money from them, and there’s no way it will ever go back to being the way it was. You have to take responsibility for listening .
    My mother used to say that. What a stingy way to look at the world, I thought, and yet at the same time I realized it was probably true.
    So I’d gotten into the habit of withdrawing into myself whenever people tried to talk.
    When you’ve got a parent who works in a club, you learn very early that the sky’s the limit when it comes to terrible stories. Whenever a girl I got to know at school came and launched into some sad tale with a “I don’t like to talk about it, but …,” it all seemed totally trivial to me. I guess you could say I was mature for my years, at least in terms of the stories I’d heard.
    I was still very young, too, when I learned that on some level, whether or not two people had slept together really wasn’t such a big deal.
    “It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me. Especially if it hurts,” I said. “If I should happen to start feeling that way for you and you still can’t perform, I’ll just go on out and find another boyfriend and chase you out of here. I won’t give you another thought, really. So don’t worry about it, okay? It’s not a problem. Right now, I’m not in the mood, either. I mean it.”
    “… Okay.”
    Nakajima began sobbing quietly.
    All of a sudden I felt like I was with a little boy, and my heart ached. Because he cried like a child. It was as if his tears had nowhere to go, they were meant for god alone. I