The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus Read Online Free PDF Page A

mother’s cancer-free!
    And she sounds like her old self again…
    But then she says,
    â€œOf course, I told the interns
    I was unavailable.”
    â€œUnavailable…?” I say.
    â€œI had to be
    honest with them,” she says,
    suddenly dead serious.
    â€œI’m a married woman!”

MY MOTHER IS NOT A MARRIED WOMAN
    My dad died
    when I was a kid.
    And she never remarried.
    But I can’t bring myself to tell her this.
    So I change the subject:
    â€œIs Dr. Hack treating you well, Mom?”
    â€œOh, yes!” she cries.
    â€œThat man is exquisite.
    He comes to see me every day.
    And he always brings me fish feet.”
    â€œHe brings you…fish feet?” Samantha asks.
    â€œBushels of them!” my mother boasts.
    â€œHe has quite a crush on me, you know.”
    â€œNo wonder,” Michael says.
    â€œYou’re a knockout!”
    My mother giggles at this.
    But then she stops abruptly—and gasps.
    â€œWhat is it, Mom? Is something the matter?”
    â€œMy head…” she moans.
    â€œIt hurts like a radio upstairs.”
    â€œLike…a radio?” I ask.
    â€œCan’t you hear all those
    stations switching?” she says.
    â€œUh…Not really, Mom.”
    â€œCan’t any of you hear all that awful static?”
    A shroud of silence descends on us,
    like the sullen eye of a storm.
    The only sound that can be heard is Pinkie,
    the neighbor’s dog,
    yapping in the distance.
    Then—
    Samantha clears her throat and says,
    â€œHey…Wait a minute, Grandma…
    I think I hear it…Yes! I do!
    It’s so…so awful…and so…so staticky!”
    My mother heaves
    an audible sigh
    and says, “You are such a dear.
    What would I do
    without you, Samantha?”
    What will I do without you, Samantha?

IS IT A BAD SIGN?
    Is it
    a bad sign
    if when you hear
    the next-door neighbor’s daughter
    singing “Now I Know My ABCs”
    it reduces you
    to tears?

TRYING TO RESERVE THE FLIGHT THAT WILL TAKE SAMANTHA TO COLLEGE
    Automated Voice:
    Thanks for calling
    the American Airlines Advantage desk.
    Para Español, diga “Español.”
    Me:
    Automated Voice:
    What’s your Advantage number?
    Me:
    XDD5376.
    Automated Voice:
    That’s FBB5376. Right?
    Me:
    Wrong.
    Automated Voice:
    I’m sorry.
    Please say your Advantage number again.
    Me:
    X. D. D. 5. 3. 7. 6.
    Automated Voice:
    That’s FVV4367. Right?
    Me:
    No. You are not right.
    You are not even slightly right.
    Automated Voice:
    My apologies. I didn’t get that.
    Please say your Advantage number again.
    Me:
    XDD5376!
    Automated Voice:
    That’s STD5376. Right?
    Me:
    You have got to be kidding me…
    Automated Voice:
    I’m sorry. I seem to be having
    some trouble understanding you.
    Please say your Advantage number again.
    Me:
    Just let me speak to an agent!
    Automated Voice:
    Do you want to talk to an agent
    about travel within the United States,
    Puerto Rico, or the U.S. Virgin Islands?
    Me:
    Agent!
    Automated Voice:
    I understand you’d like to speak to someone.
    Let’s find out what you need first
    and then I’ll get you to the right place.
    Me:
    Agent! Agent!
    Automated Voice:
    Okay. Do you want to speak to an agent
    about travel within the United States,
    Puerto Rico, or the U.S. Virgin Islands?
    Me:
    Agent! Agent! AGENT!
    Automated Voice:
    I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.
    Me:
    Of course you didn’t get that.
    You’re a machine, for chrissake.
    You can’t “get” things.
    You have no ears.
    And in case you haven’t noticed—
    you have no heart.
    So quit telling me how sorry you feel.
    You can’t feel sorry.
    You can’t feel any thing.
    Because you are nothing but
    A GODDAMN STINKING
    SHITTY HEAP OF HIDEOUSLY
    INFURIATING DIGITAL SOUND!
    Automated Voice:
    I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.

A FEW WEEKS BEFORE SAMANTHA LEAVES FOR COLLEGE
    She is being
    a major pain