The Great Psychedelic Armadillo Picnic Read Online Free PDF Page A

the town, do you:
    spend hours primping before going out?
    spend ten minutes primping before going out?
    What the hell does “primping” mean?
    At a bar you’re more likely to order:
    a Cosmopolitan
    a diet hemlock
    a Lonestar, baby!
    You are:
    a computer geek with a chip on your shoulder
    a waiter at a leprosarium for unwed mothers
    a vampire on the nod
    In your CD player right now you have:
    Sade
    Eminem
    Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash
    At Starbucks you order:
    a latte
    another gentleman to move his fat ass
    Fuck Starbucks!
    You drive:
    an Audi
    a red, white, and blue Hummer
    a nail through your forehead
    When it comes to sports, you’re into:
    miniature golf
    dwarf tossing
    ultimate Frisbee
    If you adopted a dog, it would be:
    a hairless Chihuahua with a tattoo of Pinochet
    a pit bull with your balls in its mouth
    a stray with the eyes of Jesus
    You name your dog:
    Bullet
    Checkers
    Huevos Grande
    You smoke:
    Nothing! Tobacco smells disgusting!
    wheelchair weed
    somebody’s pole
    The last concert you saw was:
    Pat Green
    Yanni
    the Dixie Chicks in London
    Kinky’s Extrapolations:
    If you answered mostly a’s: For a night out on the town, you’ll have the best time in the swanky “Warehouse District.” This is the place for young professionals and others who dress to impress and like to pretend they’re in L.A. Check out Halycon or Trulucks, both on 4th Street. Of course they have valet parking.
    If you answered mostly b’s: Head down to Sixth Street and welcome to wonderland. With too many bars to name and constant drink specials, you’ll have no problem getting “your drink on.” Cheers, The Ritz, and The Bayou are all popular places frequented by the twenty- and thirty-somethings. Also have a drink or two at Flamingo Cantina, Joe’s Generic Bar, and Sake on 6th, and, at gunpoint, the Hard Rock Café.
    If you answered mostly c’s: The Red River District has your name written all over it. Everyone in these bars knows who Hank Williams, the Ramones, and the White Stripes are. A few places I’d send you to would be the Red Eyed Fly, Love Joy’s, Room 710, Stubbs, and Club deVille. The Red River District is located off Red River and Ninth Street, a short walk from the busy Sixth Street.

Eat This
    AFTER A NIGHT OF FESTIVITIES A LITTLE FOOD IS necessary so you don’t wake up feeling like there’s a small Aryan child playing an accordion in your head. One of my favorite all-night diners is the Magnolia Café. There are two locations, one on Congress and one on Lake Austin Boulevard. I like to get a giant stack of gingerbread pancakes made of whole wheat, cornmeal, and pecans. Wash it down with a shooter of homemade unsweetened lemonade. Fear not the dreadlocked, tattooed, pierced waitstaff, for their service is excellent and their conversation is often amusing. Feel free to light up a cigarette if you smoke, because Magnolia is one of the few restaurants you can smoke in without some asshole trying to make a citizen’s arrest.
    Another all-night diner is Kerbey Lane Café, which has four locations. In Austin you’re either a Kerbey person or a Magnolia person, but you might as well hit both to figure out what kind of Austinite you’d be when you grow up. Kerbey Lane features locally grown, pesticide-free vegetables, free-range beef and pork, great entrées, and sometimes unusual fare done that way on purpose. The café welcomes vegetarians, carnivores, herbivores, and boring-vores who sit around with their cell phones and lattes, complaining that in California you can order a hummingbird-dick sandwich, so why not in Texas? Kerbey Lane is a haven for tolerance, however, so everyone is welcome. The menu covers every meal of the day; be sure to read the descriptions of the choices while you have the menu in front of you. That experience is almost as filling as the food.
    Another all-night diner, and one of my favorites for tribal