The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe Read Online Free PDF Page B

the program, the City Council has maintained its position, citing lack of taxpayer funds, the extreme danger posed by books, the peril of exposing children to librarians, and, of course, the incident that precipitated the ban, which the town’s older residents will refer to only as “the Time of Knives.”
    Nevertheless, in a show of civic dedication, or mindless bloodlust—and they are so similar—Night Vale’s librarians have banded together in defiance of authority to reinitiate Summer Reading. Colorful posters with appealing statements like “Get into a good book this summer” and “We are going to force you into a good book this summer” and “You are going to get inside this book and we are going to close it on you and there is nothing you can do about it” have appeared overnight around the library entrance and in local shops and businesses, all sporting the clever tagline “Catch the flesh-eating reading bacterium.” The Sheriff’s Secret Police have responded by interrogating the proprietors of businesses where the posters have appeared, and by removing and confiscating the posters themselves—although to be honest, listeners, the graphic design work is really cute. I mean, have you seen them? The little flesh-eating germ with his sunhat and library book, using a screaming, semi-skeletal human victim as a beach chair? Adorable!

    After fierce debate today, the City Council has officially declared murder illegal, a crime that has until this point been handled using informal vigilante squads. The head of one such squad, Vincent LaFarge of Grab ’Em and Sack ’Em, argued that Night Vale has gotten along just fine for years without the government meddling in murder investigation or punishment.
    â€œDo we sometimes catch the wrong guy?” said Vincent. “Sure. Most of the time. We’re not sure we’ve ever caught a guilty one. Usually we just grab the first person we see. One time we tried to arrest the dead body, but it got away.”
    Proponents of the bill argued that most things in Night Vale are already illegal anyway, so citizens would hardly even notice the change.
    The law goes into effect in two weeks, and citizens are advised to get any necessary murders done before then, although there will be a three-day grace period after the deadline for those who are forgetful or whose victims are hard to catch.
    Some summer tips to beat the heat. First off, have you tried to reason with the heat? Humans, temperatures, angels, and chairs are all equally real and sentient, which is to say that we’re all not real, nor are any of us actually sentient. But give reason a shot. It has never, not once in history, worked, but it might just work this time.
    If the heat won’t listen to reason, try denying that it’s hot. “Doesn’t seem hot today,” you might say to your profusely sweating neighbor. “A little chilly even,” you could continue, slipping on a sweater and making an exaggerated brr noise as the glaring sun plants the idea of cancer in your skin.
    And if denial does not work, then your best bet, as with all problems in life, is exhausted resignation. This has been summer tips to beat the heat.
    And now a public service announcement. Here is a brief list of everything that is helpful:
    â€¢Â Â The Sheriff’s Secret Police
    â€¢Â Â Clouds
    â€¢Â Â Anger
    â€¢Â Â The City Council
    â€¢Â Â Affection falling just short of love
    â€¢Â Â Ceiling fans
    â€¢Â Â Lungs
    â€¢Â Â Other sundry organs
    â€¢Â Â Laws
    â€¢Â Â Government
    â€¢Â Â Helicopters
    â€¢Â Â The 2005 Honda Accord
    â€¢Â Â Secrets
    â€¢Â Â Whispers
    â€¢Â Â Ultimately, nothing
    Anything not specifically named in this list should be considered not helpful and potentially dangerous. It’s not just good sense; it’s the law.
    An update on the