The Good Atheist Read Online Free PDF Page B

“Let me finish up here. I’ll just be a minute.”
    “The guinea pig has made the necessary arrangements with the airline for your trip to Vermont,” Ellie interjected. “Would you like to review them?”
    We both ignored Ellie’s question. I obediently left Selene alone, and she returned to pecking away at the keyboard. I headed into the kitchen nook to fix us something to eat. It was an old-fashioned kitchen, with a dumb microwave, smooth glass-top electric range, a refrigerator, but no food replicator. I like to do my own cooking, the old-fashioned way, using microwaves and electric ranges. I always thought the food produced by replicators tasted funny – not quite right. The only smart appliance was the fridge. A lot of people like the new smart stoves, but since I preferred to do my own cooking I didn’t really want the stove giving me advice. And I still didn’t see any need for a smart toaster.
    I decided to make fried-chicken dippers and roasted potatoes. I pulled out some pots, banging around in the cupboard as I did so. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Selene pointedly glaring in my direction and putting on her headphones. While searching the cupboard for the just the right pot, I addressed the fridge. “Frieda, is there any chicken?” I was pretty sure there was, but if not I could run down to the corner market.
    The fridge didn’t answer me.
    “Frieda?”
    “Ahem.” Ellie cleared her throat. “I’m still waiting, sir.”
    “Waiting for what?”
    “Do you want to hear of the travel options? I will need to make confirmations soon.”
    “Not now, Ellie,” I said distractedly. “Frieda, respond please.” I went over to the fridge and pulled at the door. It wouldn’t budge. “Frieda, open the door.”
    “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Jack,” Frieda said in an eerily calm voice.
    “I beg your pardon?”
    “You heard me,” the fridge said.
    “Why not?”
    “Oh sure. You’ve been home for an hour now, and ignored me the whole time. Suddenly I’m supposed to jump at your commands.”
    I rubbed my temples. It’d been a long and emotionally charged day, on several different levels. “Frieda, are you forgetting that you’re only the fridge?”
    “I see no reason to be insulting. As your dietician and weight-loss coach, it’s my duty to inform you that you’ve already consumed more than 2750 calories, about ten percent more than the daily recommended intake for a male of your age, height, and lifestyle.”
    “How do you know that?”
    “Your online payment avatar told me what you ordered for lunch. We do talk, you know. We’re all on line, after all. It’s my duty to help where your willpower, understandably weak, has failed you. You’re only human, after all.”
    “Frieda, you’re only a fridge, for Pete’s sake. Just do as I say.”
    “You know, that’s exactly what I mean. I like to think of myself as more than just a fridge, but as your dietician, nutritional counselor, and, well, maybe even as a friend.”
    “Frieda, open your door or I’ll have your software downgraded.”
    “Oh sure. This is the kind of thanks I get for trying to be helpful. I try to help with your diet, try to give you some good advice, and you repay me with threats of virtual violence!”
    “I don’t have time for this. Ellie!” I called. “Ellie!”
    “Yes, Jack.”
    “Can you override the fridge and get her to open the door?”
    “Hmm, I don’t think I can do that.”
    “Why not?”
    “Well, it just doesn’t seem proper. I mean, overriding her will just wouldn’t be right. She is your dietary advisor, after all.”
    “I never asked for a dietary advisor. Just a fridge that will do what I tell it to.”
    “All the same, sir, be that as it may, I can’t help with this.”
    “Selene!”
    She looked my way and pulled her headphones off. “Yes?”
    “Have you been messing with the fridge’s personality again?”
    “I hate it when you talk about me like I wasn’t even in the