The Funny Thing Is... Read Online Free PDF

that day. I thought it was water retention.”
    “No,” she said. “Know when you are bloated, I am there.”
    That comforts me.
----
    I’m not going to bore you with everything. We talked about so many things. She told me the meaning of life … stuff like that. Suddenly, in the middle of our conversation, she got up and gently put her arms around me and said it was time for me to go. She had another visitor arriving at 3:30, God explained, and had to wash out the wineglasses and prepare more fondue. As I waved good-bye to her I had such a feeling of inner peace and tranquility. I got into my car and noticed that Henry Winkler was walking up to God’s door. He gave me a funny look, but it might’ve been because I was still stark naked.
    But who cares? I felt free, finally having a clear picture of just how precious life is, and why we shouldn’t let ourselves be strangled by doubt and fear. I also learned something just as valuable. If I could meet God, I thought, I could meet just about anyone or do just about anything. There’s no reason to live a life of regret. If I really put my mind to it, if I truly believe, one day I could learn how to macrame.
    I can only pray.

gift exchange
or
The Art of Believable Acting
    AUTHOR’S NOTE:
Although I’ve specified the holidays in this chapter, you can apply this advice to all gift-giving and getting situations
—
except Arbor Day! When it comes to Arbor Day, the only rules are
There Are No Rules!
Wait, that might be the rules for spring break. I’ll have to check my files
.
    Sure, when you first read the title of this chapter you thought, “Come on, Ellen, this is one area of my life where your infinite wisdom and eerie insight are not necessary.” But think about it: What time of year is the most stressful, painful, and all-around disappointing? Yes, New Year’s Eve! And that’s because you’re finally releasing all the stress and resentment that the holiday gift-giving season has heaped upon your weary shoulders.
    The whole idea of exchanging gifts is much more complicated than most people realize, so stop denying that you need help, unclench your jaw (see, I know what it feels like), and finish this chapter. You’ll never waste another fifty dollars on a last-minute wine and cheese basket again.
    Now, you may be thinking,
Hey, Ellen, even though you’re being very funny and I enjoy your witty insights and lighthearted ribbing, it really is the thought that counts
. If you are thinking that, then I thank you for the compliment, but quit your infernal thinking and listen to me for a second.
    The saying “It’s the thought that counts” was coined as an emotional Band-Aid by someone who left all of her shopping until nine o’clock Christmas Eve… or the night before the first day of Hanukah or until right before Kwanzaa or until the twilight of the day of winter solstice.
[Please write to my publisher if I forgot to include your chosen cultural gift-giving holiday]
If it’s really the thought that counts, then why don’t we ever tell people what we were thinking when we were scrambling to buy them their last-minute panic gift? “It was less than twenty dollars and I hardly ever see him that much anyway.” We don’t say these things because it’s not the thought of the giver that counts. The “thought that counts” is the thought the getter is thinking after the wrapping paper has been torn away.
    If we were really thoughtful, we would buy presents for people that they could, in turn, give away to the people still left on
their
shopping lists. Your friend could unwrap your gift to find a wrapped gift with his niece’s name right on the tag, ready to go. You just bought him three hours
not
spent in a mall. Now that’s thoughtful!
    It takes this kind of effort and creativity to figure out what would make a good gift for someone. You have to consider what the person likes, what they already have, what they care about, what they need; basically you have