The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) Read Online Free PDF Page B

during our forget-about-everything plan, we’d moved to the floor and started a game of dare. Except there wasn’t really a point to the game. You just had to keep drinking. Shot after shot, neither of us backed down.
    Now, I could hardly see, and Ryan couldn’t contain his drunken giggles.
    “Better than feeling. I’m so sick of feeling, Mila.”
    I crawled forward, willing my body to get a grip of itself. When I had almost reached Ryan, I flopped down, my upper body landing across his legs. “I can’t feel my legs either. Shiiit, I’m so drunked.”
    “Drunked?” The laughter grew louder, and his body heaved around me with the force of his amusement.
    “Piss off.”
    One of Ryan’s hands landed on my shoulder. “You know who was a lousy drunk? Lucas. He couldn’t hold down four beers.”
    A sloppy grin came over my face at one of the many memories I had of him. “Yeah, but he was funny. He’d get so wasted, and I’d have to carry him home. Remember that one time in eleventh grade? You had to help me sneak him back to his bedroom so your parents wouldn’t find out?”
    “Yeah, I remember.”
    Suddenly, I didn’t feel so drunk anymore. Talking about Lucas like this—in the past tense—was sobering. My hand grasped the jean material covering Ryan’s leg. “God, Ryan. What are we doing?”
    I pushed myself into a sitting position and looked at Ryan. He was staring at me, his eyes stormy and dark. “I have no idea, but it was better than facing reality. I don’t want to face reality, Mila. I don’t want to let him go.”
    Ryan was always the stronger of the two brothers. He got into trouble. He started fights and made enemies, but he didn’t give a shit what people thought of him. That wasn’t the guy sitting in front of me. He looked so vulnerable. Without thinking, I closed the gap between us and wrapped him in my arms. Ryan came willingly, falling against me. My body twisted at an unnatural angle, and I felt ready to hurl at any second, but it didn’t matter. Ryan needed me, and I was going to be here for him. The way he’d been there for me at the funeral.
    He gripped me harder as if I might crumple beneath him. “I’m so fucking lost.”
    “I’m here, Ryan. I’m right here.”
    What was happening?
    Something was changing between us. Losing Lucas had brought us together in a way I hadn’t expected, but grief did that to people, didn’t it? It gave them a common bond. It was normal to find solace in those suffering with you, wasn’t it?
    So why did this feel different?
    I shut it off. I didn’t want to think about what it all meant. I just wanted to be here for Ryan—to let him know he wasn’t alone.
    ~
    I lay staring up at the ceiling of the motel room. After things had gotten weird between us, Ryan had pulled away and gone to take a shower. When he was done, we ordered pizza and spent the rest of the evening sobering up and watching the ancient television in the corner of the room.
    Neither of us talked about what had happened. What was happening? But we didn’t talk about leaving the motel either. So when darkness fell, I crawled underneath the sheets of one of the beds.
    But I couldn’t sleep.
    Rolling onto my side, I watched Ryan as he slept. His chest rose and fell softly. He looked peaceful, and at that moment, I saw a hint of Lucas. He was usually so tense and brooding that he and Lucas didn’t resemble one another all that much. Lucas was fairer like his mom, with the same bright eyes and wide smile. Ryan was all Peter. They shared the same scowl, and the same dark, intense eyes. Growing up, I only ever saw Peter that way when he was angry about something, but it was Ryan’s usual look.
    “I can feel you watching me.” His voice was low, and heat stained my cheeks.
    “I- uh, I was just … Wait, you’re awake? How long have you been awake?”
    We must have been lying there for at least an hour.
    He shifted an arm under his head and sighed. “I haven’t been asleep