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horrendous amount of money to the Portland
Zoo. They'll think it's a publicity stunt and well… now I don't
have to do my own press conference."
    I was silent. Thinking. Wondering if she was
insane or had finally fallen off that rocker and gotten a blunt
head wound. I was about five seconds away from calling Travis and
begging him to put his grandma in a home. She wasn't only a danger
to society but a danger to herself.
    "Strip."
    Well, if the catsuit hadn't done it, that one
word had.
    I shook my head. "Strip?"
    Grandma rolled her eyes and grabbed another
cookie. "You can't be incognito in a tux and a bridesmaid
dress."
    Okay, so catwoman had a point. I looked to
Beth, but she was already digging through the duffel bag grandma
had brought her. She pulled out a pair of jeans and a white
t-shirt.
    Following suit, I unzipped my own bag and
found enough clothes to go to the tropics for at least two weeks on
vacation. I pulled out a pair of board shorts. "And I'd need these
because?"
    "No questions," Grandma snapped.
    "How did you get all of our clothes so
/fast?" Beth asked. "I mean weren't they at the Titus house? Or in
my case, the rental car" Beth gasped. "The rental car!"
    "Waiting outside." Grandma popped the cookie
in her mouth and examined her nails. "Really," she chewed, "it's as
if you two don't trust me. Grandma knows best, and that's all you
need to know."
    "You're wearing a catsuit," I pointed
out.
    Actually, it was more of a leopard jumpsuit
with a long black tail, a leopard scarf that naturally matched, and
a black beanie that looked a hell of a lot like something you'd see
on a person just before they robbed you blind.
    "Hurry up!" Grandma stomped her leopard heel
and looked at her watch. It was also leopard. The woman probably
had stock in the design.
    Beth grumbled under her breath and stomped
into the bathroom; within minutes she walked out and looked a bit
like a guy's dream come true. Her white t-shirt was snug across her
chest, her skinny jeans ripped in all the right places, and
black-and-white Converse sneakers that made her somehow look
younger. Not that I'd say that aloud lest she remove my balls with
her fist. Apparently age was a sore subject. Not that I imagined
she was much older. Then again, I wasn't a super good judge of
anything lately, so I decided not speaking was probably a good
call.
    I went into the bathroom and threw on a black
t-shirt and a pair of jeans I really don't remember being that
tight. In fact, the jeans didn't look familiar at all. Whatever. I
grabbed the cardigan and decided against the tie. By the time I
emerged, we'd been in the hotel room for fifteen minutes with
Grandma or crazy catlady.
    "Alright." Grandma clapped her hands
together, only it wasn't loud because now she was wearing gloves. I
had to look away. Looking directly at her was like reliving the
time I did mushrooms in college. An experience I swore I'd never
re-live.
    "It's time."
     
    ****
     
    The elevator dinged at the lobby level.
Grandma pressed play on her iPhone and turned to give us a wink,
"Side door, a car's waiting. I'll see you in a few minutes. Now let
Grandma have the spotlight."
    The doors opened.
    And "Lion King" started playing. Grandma
strutted down the hall and turned the corner.
    My mouth may have dropped open as she started
moving her hips in a way no woman at eighty-six should know how to
move — in perfect cadence with the music
she danced. The reflection of cameras going off was our cue.
    "Come on." I grabbed Beth's hand and walked
briskly toward the back door.
    As Grandma said, the rental car was running,
and a gentleman in a Hawaiian shirt was at the wheel. "Get in!"
    Not needing to be told twice, Beth and I
tumbled into the back seat and barely had time to buckle our
seatbelts before the old man hit the accelerator, causing the Chevy
Malibu to squeal in protest.
    "Um," Beth clenched my hand, squeezing it so
tight I almost lost feeling, "sir, where are you taking us?"
    "Airport."
    Beth