The Contrary Tale of the Butterfly Girl: From the Peculiar Adventures of John Loveheart, Esq., Volume 2 Read Online Free PDF Page B

eighbours
     
    I ’ m hiding in a bush, observing Fangus Oil, the local drunk who exposes himself to women and random sheep. He ’ s urinating against a tree singing “ Scarborough Fair ” , which alone is an excellent reason for his imminent demise.
    I stand behind him and cough politely. “ Ahem. ”
    “ What do you want? ” He turns, peering at me, wobbling , strawberry nosed, smelling like a decomposing corpse.
    “ My name is John Loveheart and I would like your head. If you would place it in the bag please, ” and I open the black velvet sack (with trademark love heart) that I ’ ve brought with me.
    “ Are you a little bit funny in the head? ” he says, and breaks into song: “ Parsleeeey, saaaaage, rosemary and thyme … la la la. ”
    I cut his head off immediately and sling it in the sack.
    I creep further into the woods and find Daisy Dungbeetle picking poisonous mushrooms and placing them in her wicker basket. School m istress, avid reader of vampire n ovels – a nd part - time murderess.
    “ Madam, ” I step out amidst the toadstool ring, “ I am here to stop your wicked ways, ” and I aim my sword at her.
    She hisses at me. Bares her teeth, flickers her tongue. Holds a black mushroom up and thrusts it at me. “ I curse you with this fungus of the Dark Master. ”
    “ Are you threatening me with a mushroom? ”
    CHOP
    I toss her head in the sack.
    Lastly, after plucking some wild strawberries from the woodland path, I find Judge Thumpus Zop snoozing in his garden, a copy of the Times folded neatly on his lap. He has a reputation for cruelty. I tap his leg with my ancestral sword.
    “ WHAT THE DEVIL? ” he shouts, awakening from his slumber.
    “ You have been a very bad boy, Judge. ”
    “ What are you? ”
    “ The Demon Lord of the Underworld … Ooh, now I ’ ve said it aloud it sounds rather impressive. ”
    “ Oh crap. ”
    He tries to sprint across the lawn and trips up over a basket of courgettes. Picks one up and tries to stab me with it.
    I hang their heads from red ribbons in my gardens. What pretty dingle dangly things. Poke them and they wobble about.
    What fun. What fun!

 
     
    Mr Loveheart sneaks into Professor Hummingbird ’ s Gardens
    It ’ s a lovely night for a spot of mischief. The cosmos above the little world of Darkwound is soapy; bubbles of star-froth white. Galaxies wink underwater.
    The woods around the Professor ’ s moated castle are very thorny. I have already tripped over a warty root and I have had words with it. Given it a good talking to.
    His gardens need tending, always a sign of a demented mind. His violets are shrivelled (a sure sign of his unhinged brain) and his water lilies look depressed. Poor things.
    I scale the side of his castle, climb up the ivy. Launch myself onto his rooftops and look over his domain. Yes, I think to myself. He ’ s clearly a villain, for I spy weeds sprouting out of his chimney pot. Mmmmm. I stroll across the roof and find a window open and hang down and peer in. And there he is in his study,
    MY GOD!
    The wallpaper is hideous. Some sort of floral obscenity!
    And his butterflies, hundreds of them framed in glass. Pierced through their hearts.
    I smell a serial killer. What is that he ’ s scribbling? A wicked journal of his atrocities, no doubt.
    I lose my footing and fall into the shrubbery below. Whoops! I may have buggered my ankle up.
    Leaping out of the bushes I sneak round the garden, observing a very questionable looking potato plant, which I prod with my foot. It explodes in black pus. I need no further proof that he is insane, and cursed with a black finger when it comes to horticulture.
    Aha! I find an open window on the ground floor and slip, unnoticed, into his pantry. Mmmmmm is that a pumpkin pie? I am so very fond of pumpkins, they are such an amusing shape.
    The pie is excellent. I put my feet up on his kitchen table, eat another slice and contemplate my options.
    I wiggle my ankle. Think about stuffing a