The Collected Shorter Plays Read Online Free PDF Page A

donkey. Its father and mother were donkeys.
[
Silence
.]
MR. ROONEY
Do you know what it is, I think I shall retire.
MRS. ROONEY
[
appalled
] Retire! And live at home? On your grant!
MR. ROONEY
Never tread these cursed steps again. Trudge this hellish road for the last time. Sit at home on the remnants of my bottom counting the hours—till the next meal. [
Pause
.] The very thought puts life in me! Forward, before it dies!
[
They move on. Dragging feet, panting, thudding stick
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Now mind, here is the path. . . . Up! . . . Well done! Now we are in safety and a straight run home.
MR. ROONEY
[
without halting, between gasps
] A straight . . . run! . . . She calls that . . . a straight . . . run! . . .
MRS. ROONEY
Hush! Do not speak as you go along, you know it is not good for your coronary. [
Dragging steps, etc
.] Just concentrate on putting one foot before the next or whatever the expression is. [
Dragging feet, etc
.] That is the way, now we are doing nicely. [
Dragging feet, etc. They suddenly halt, on Mrs. Rooney’s initiative
.] Heavens! I knew there was something! With all the excitement! I forgot!
MR. ROONEY
[
quietly
] Good God!
MRS. ROONEY
But you must know, Dan, of course, you were on it.
Whatever happened? Tell me!
MR. ROONEY
I have never known anything to happen.
MRS. ROONEY
But you must—
MR. ROONEY
[
violently
] All this stopping and starting again is devilish, devilish! I get a little way on me and begin to be carried along when suddenly you stop dead! Two hundred pounds of unhealthy fat! What possessed you to come out at all? Let go of me!
MRS. ROONEY
[
in great agitation
] No, I must know, we won’t stir from here till you tell me. Fifteen minutes late! On a thirty minute run! It’s unheard of!
MR. ROONEY
I know nothing. Let go of me before I shake you off.
MRS. ROONEY
But you must know! You were on it! Was it at the terminus? Did you leave on time? Or was it on the line? [
Pause
.] Did something happen on the line? [
Pause
.] Dan! [
Brokenly
.] Why won’t you tell me! [
Silence. They move off. Dragging feet, etc. They halt. Pause
.]
MR. ROONEY
Poor Maddy! [
Pause. Children’s cries
.] What was that?
[
Pause for Mrs. Rooney to ascertain
.]
MRS. ROONEY
The Lynch twins jeering at us. [
Cries
.]
MR. ROONEY
Will they pelt us with mud today, do you suppose?
[
Cries
.]
MRS. ROONEY
Let us turn and face them. [
Cries. They turn. Silence
.]
Threaten them with your stick. [
Silence
.] They have run away.
[
Pause
.]
MR. ROONEY
Did you ever wish to kill a child? [
Pause
.] Nip some young doom in the bud. [
Pause
.] Many a time at night, in winter, on the black road home, I nearly attacked the boy. [
Pause
.] Poor Jerry! [
Pause
.] What restrained me then? [
Pause
.] Not fear of man. [
Pause
.] Shall we go on backwards now a little?
MRS. ROONEY
Backwards?
MR. ROONEY
Yes. Or you forwards and I backwards. The perfect pair.
Like Dante’s damned, with their faces arsy-versy. Our tears will water our bottoms.
MRS. ROONEY
What is the matter, Dan? Are you not well?
MR. ROONEY
Well! Did you ever know me to be well? The day you met me I should have been in bed. The day you proposed to me the doctors gave me up. You knew that, did you not? The night you married me they came for me with an ambulance. You have not forgotten that, I suppose? [
Pause
.] No, I cannot be said to be well. But I am no worse. Indeed I am better than I was. The loss of my sight was a great fillip. If I could go deaf and dumb I think I might pant on to be a hundred. Or have Idone so? [
Pause
.] Was I a hundred today? [
Pause
.] Am I a hundred, Maddy?
[
Silence
.]
MRS. ROONEY
All is still. No living soul in sight. There is no one to ask. The world is feeding. The wind—[
brief wind
]—scarcely stirs the leaves and the birds—[
brief chirp
]—are tired singing. The cows— [
brief moo
]—and sheep—[
brief baa
]—ruminate in silence. The dogs— [
brief bark
]—are hushed and the hens—[
brief cackle
]—sprawl torpid in the dust. We