The Chaos Read Online Free PDF Page A

Come and talk to me when you’ve done. I’ll be right here.’
    I take it up to my room and sit on the bed. My private space, a room of my own, except that it’s not mine. I’ve only got a handful of my things with me. Everything else here is my dad’s: a boy younger than me, a boy I never knew and who never knew about me. I’m inside a shrine, surrounded by his stuff. Nan never moved a thing when he died, and you could tell it hurt her to put me in here, but there was nowhere else I could go.
    I put the envelope on my lap and stare at it. Mum’s writing. Her hand held this envelope. Is there any of her left on it? I smooth my fingers across it. I want to read whatever’s inside, but I also know that once I’ve read it, that’ll be it. There’ll be nothing else from her. It’ll be like saying goodbye all over again.
    I don’t want it to end. I know it has already. I know she’s gone, but I’ve got a little bit of her back now.
    ‘Mum,’ I say. My voice sounds strange, like it belongs to someone else.
    I want her to be here, with me, so much.
    And I open the envelope, and she is.
    The instant I start reading, I can hear her voice, see her sitting propped up in bed, writing. Her hair’s gone, and there’s no weight on her at all any more. She’s so thin you can’t hardly recognise her face. But it’s still her. It’s still Mum.
    ‘Dear Adam,
    I’m writing this knowing you won’t read it until after I’ve gone. I want to tell you so much, but it all comes downto the same thing. I love you. Always have, always will.
    I hope you remember me, but if you start to forget what I looked like, or sounded like, or anything, don’t worry. Just remember the love. That’s what matters.
    I wish I was there to see you grow up, but I can’t be, so I’ve asked Nan to look after you. She’s a diamond, your Nan, so you be good for her, don’t cheek her or nothing.
    Adam, I need you to do something. I can’t be there to keep you safe, so I’m telling you this now. Stay in Weston, or somewhere like that. Don’t go to London, Adam. I seen the numbers when I was growing up. We’re the same you and me – we see things that no-one should ever know. I told people, I broke my own rule and it was nothing but trouble. You mustn’t tell. Not anyone. Not ever. It’s trouble, Adam, trust me, I know.
    London isn’t safe. 112027. I seen it in tons of people when I was growing up. Find somewhere where the people have good numbers, Adam, and stay there. Don’t go to London. Don’t let Nan take you there, and keep her out too. Keep her safe.
    I’m going to go now. I can’t hardly bear to stop writing, to say goodbye. There aren’t enough words in the world to tell you how much I love you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. The best. Don’t forget, 
    Love always,
    Mum
    xxxxxx’
    A tear drips off the end of my chin and splashes onto the paper. The ink spreads out like a firework turning her kisses all blurry.
    ‘No!’
    I wipe the paper with my thumb, but that just makes it worse. I find an old tissue in my pocket and dab it dry, and all the time the tears keep pouring down my face. Then I put the letter on the end of the bed, out of harm’s way, and I let go.
    I haven’t cried for a long time, not since before she died. Now I can’t stop. It’s like a dam bursting – something bigger than me sweeping me away. My whole body’s crying, out of control; great heaving sobs; tears and snot; noises I never knew I had in me. And then I curl up in a ball and I rock backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, for I don’t know how long ’til I slowly come to a stop. And there’s nothing left. No more tears.
    I look around me like I’m seeing the room for the first time, and I feel the anger back again, tingling in the tips of my fingers, pulsing right through me.
     
    Don’t go to London. Don’t let Nan take you there.
    I knew this was a bad place. I knew we shouldn’t have come.
    I slam out of