The Catswold Portal Read Online Free PDF Page B

morning—as much as he ever planned, a rough start, some direction to give a model—but nothing stirred him. Nothing wanted to come to life, to make the light glow in his mind with the brilliance of a finished painting. Nothing he had considered lately had that brilliance. He felt as dull as if mind and spirit suffered from a toothache.
    Sometimes he could jack up his lagging spirits by reading the reviews of his past shows or by recounting the frequent museum awards, a stupid ritual that meant nothing but would jolt his ego and get him started. He had less than two months to get the show together for Chapman, and he had only ten paintings and none of them meant a damn thing. Dull, uninspired. It would take twenty-five pieces to fill the gallery. He had thought of canceling the show—that would be the final admission of failure—but you just didn’t cancel a show with Chapman, a show you’d had scheduled for over two years, not unless you were ready to admit total defeat.
    He wasn’t ready to do that. But it was nearly impossible to get himself to work. He’d done everything to avoid work—had gone sailing, climbed Mount Tam half a dozen times, even ridden a couple of times at the local stables as he used to ride with Alice, trying to make himself enjoy being out on the yellowed summer hills, maybe make some facet of the landscape come alive enough to want to paint it. But even going to the stables, glimpsing Alice’s favorite mare, had thrown him into depression.
    He’d made every excuse to avoid Chapman seeing the few dull paintings he had produced since his last show—he’d gone out of town, gone down the coast to Carmel. He had remained filled with defeat, feeling like he might as well be painting soup cans.
    Maybe he should be, maybe someday they’d all paint soup cans—flat designs done with a mind as flat as that of a store mannequin, passionless, sexless.
    But this was 1957 and the world of painters was filled with passion: the exploding passion of Still, of Kline, the inflamed vision fostered by Picasso, and echoes of the Bauhaus, and with his own kind of painting, with the work of the Bay area action painters, their colors the glowing hues of California, opulent as stained glass.
    He dumped his coffee out, looking absently up the terraces. The gardener had moved to a hydrangea bush. Snip, snip, snip—an annoying, suggestive sound. Braden stared at his sketch pad thinking of excuses to do any number of unnecessary chores in the studio: stretch more canvases for more dull paintings, make a list of supplies, sweep the floor. The garden grew lighter, the hidden sun sending a blaze of gold along the top of the redwood forest. Halfway up the terraces a yellow cat came out from beneath a fuchsia bush and slipped warily away from Vrech; the cat’s distrust of the gardener stirred sympathy in Braden even if it was only a cat.
    There were five or six cats living in the garden. He ignored them and they ignored him; cats made him uneasy. Cats watched people too intently, and they weren’t loving like dogs. He glanced up the hill to Olive’s two-story house; its age-darkened siding blended into the dark forest behind it. There was a cat on Olive’s front porch, crouched, watching the gardener. To the right in Morian’s gray, two-story frame, a light had come on in Morian’s bedroom behind her bamboo shades. He could see her moving around, caught a glimpse of her dark arm reaching just behind the shade. She would be getting ready for an early class. To the right of Morian’s, nearest to the dead end lane, Anne Hollingsworth’s one-story, white Cape Cod was still dark. Three neighbors, three single women—Anne divorced, Olive a dry old spinster, and dark-skinned Morian with plenty of men in her bed. The three were the most unlikely of friends, as different as three women could be, but they were close friends; and they had looked out