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society, being at the forefront of the transition to the knowledge economy. Geeks are employed by a wide variety of businesses to run computer systems, keep the accounts, and tell miners where to dig. They also play a major role in government, in areas like education policy and making tax confusing. Perhaps the most prominent area of Geek endeavour in today’s Australia, however, is the thriving industry of letters to newspapers complaining about how we make such a big deal out of sportspeople and not enough out of scientists. This industry is currently worth $16 billion a year to the Australian economy, although nobody really understands how.
    Other famous Geeks include Dick Smith, who showed that any Geek with a dream can make a fortune, fly in a balloon, and irritate the entire country; Karl Kruszelnicki, who has tormented several generations of schoolchildren with the terrifying phrase ‘making science fun’; and Godwin Grech, who embodied Geek philosophy by having a nervous breakdown. Those are just three examples, but there really have been an enormous number of Blokes who were, to a greater or lesser extent, Geeks. At times they even rise to the highest position in the land – Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was a fully-fledged Geek, and it is said his downfall at the hands of his own party was sparked by an incident at the beach where he refused to take off his shirt in public. Even the Australian cricket team was once coached by a Geek in John Buchanan, although more orthodox Geek sects have declared him excommunicated because of his flagrant associating with Athletes. This was the cause of the Great Geek Schism of 2001, a momentous and traumatic event that nobody has ever heard of.
    Although a close and insular group, there are variations within the Geek family, and though most Geeks do have obvious similarities, there are clear differences between the Geek breeds. Geek varieties include:
    The Helpdesker . This is the most mysterious Geek of all; indeed, most people over the course of their life will never see a Helpdesker, and many people still deny that they even exist. There do exist, however, recordings of the Helpdesker’s distinctive cry, a harsh yelp of ‘Have you tried switching it off and on?’ or, in mating season, ‘Is it plugged in?’
    Insofar as we know anything about this shy and reclusive Geek, we know that he makes his home deep underground in the labyrinthine burrows of IT departments, and can only be contacted by phone if he’s not at lunch, or by email to which he will never respond. Helpdeskers are among the more self-sufficient Geeks, having evolved beyond the average Geek’s fear of the outside world and into a comforting contempt for it. The Helpdesker is the mage, or witchdoctor, of Geek society – a keeper of arcane and secret knowledge to which only the initiated can be allowed access, such as how to use Excel, or what a ‘registry’ is.
    The appearance of the Helpdesker is, naturally, a mystery, given there are few verified sightings, and those have been fleeting and unhelpful. However, composite sketches and artist’s renderings abound in the world of Geekology, and most experts agree that the Helpdesker is a large, squat Geek with thick glasses, a sarcastic T-shirt, and venomous spurs behind his knees which emit a powerful toxin whenever anyone asks him to re-install Windows.
    Obviously, the distinguishing feature of the Helpdesker is his immense skill with computers, and this is what gives him both his high status in Geek circles, and his tight psychological hold over non-Geeks. Helpdeskers speak in a strange dialect which, as yet, has not been deciphered by linguists, and speaking to a Helpdesker often feels like speaking to a recent immigrant, except that recent immigrants are polite. However, there is no doubt that this breed of Geek knows his stuff, and an uncanny command of the correct incantations and sacrifices needed to spark computers to life are the hallmark of the