The Book of Awesome Read Online Free PDF Page B

and adventure. Curiosity helps little ones discover pantry shelves, cat litter trays, and toilets. Some people have an adorable Crab Baby at this stage, also known as a one-year-old who crawls backward or sideways instead of forward. Watch out for pinchy claws grabbing at your hair and glasses.
    Next up: teetering! White-knuckled, apricot-sized hands grip staircase railings and kitchen table legs with furrowed brows and steely determination. The side benefit of diapers comes into play here, as handy ass-padding for the vast number of harrowing, thunderous falls. Eventually, with immense focus and concentration, most of them manage to find their center of gravity and balance the baby chub on their two teeny-tiny tootsies.
    After this point, it’s just a matter of time. There’s some nervous balancing without the railing and then lopsided running with occasional face-plants in the front hallway. But soon baby nails it, and after that she’s probably flying pretty high.
    Unfortunately, the bad news is that practice doesn’t always make perfect. Even though we’ve been mastering the art of standing tall for years and years and years, everyone slips and falls now and then. Just ask your local small-claims court.
    So next time your shoe catches on the top step at work, you trip stepping off the airport’s moving sidewalk , or you bail on a patch of ice outside your front door, remember that not too long ago you couldn’t walk at all.
    So your wipeout is really no big deal.
    As long as nobody saw you.
    AWESOME!

The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy
    The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy states that if you are eating a meal with someone who ordered fries, and you didn’t order fries, you’re entitled to grab one of their fries as it’s landing on the table as long as a) you ask first, b) you make eye contact and raise your eyebrows until they nod, or c) you just know them really well.
    Also, since you’re getting first dibs on their sizzling stick-pile of delicious hot, oily fries, it’s only fair that you purposefully avoid any obviously amazing fry in the pile. You know that really, really long McDonald’s fry sticking out of the box? Probably shouldn’t touch that. But the thin, crispy short ones, the oversalted ones, and the regular limp n’ floppy ones? Those are all fair game, my friend, all fair game.
    But be careful out there because this policy can be abused. Some people might start pecking away at the fry-pile, then just start gaining momentum, unable to stop gorging themselves on your plate once they get started. They just keep testing the waters, pushing the envelope, snacking away until you move your plate out of reach or ask them politely how their food tastes. I’m serious—you need to watch out for these people because they’ll dent your fry-pile if you’re not careful.
    Secondly, keep your eyes peeled for greasy diner plates that come with only a dozen or so baked-potato-tasting fries . You know what I’m talking about. Those piles are off-limits! Sorry, but the Universal Fry-Sharing Policy simply does not cover extremely small piles of chunky-style fries. It would be too much to take one of those fries. The percentages just don’t work.
    Finally, there is one appendix to The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Conveniently it is called Appendix One , and it simply states that after somebody who ordered fries finishes their meal and pushes their leftover pile of dry, cold, ketchup-smeared fries into the center of the table, first dibs go to people who didn’t get fries . Second dibs go to those who already demolished a stack of them but just want more. And third dibs go to the guy washing dishes in the kitchen.
    So thanks, Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Your existence is a win-win , balancing the tables by helping us fry guys trim down the calories and helping the “Can I sub salad for fries?” folks enjoy some guilty pleasure while still meeting their eatin’ healthy goals.
    AWESOME!

Sleeping in new