The Big Dream Read Online Free PDF

you’ll learn nothing, then, if Rae stands you up tonight?”
    â€œColleen, I told you, she’ll – ”
    â€œThere is no lesson she could teach you, that she could be hoping to teach you, by not showing up tonight?”
    He gave her his gaze again, though he was starting to suspect he shouldn’t. “What could I learn, from that?”
    She wiggled her whole body, a wave from ankles to ears. “Oh, you know, that she doesn’t love you, that you shouldn’t be married to her.”
    He ignored the soap-operatic tone, the high-schooler’s conception of marriage as a poker-hand that can be won or lost once and never replayed. He concentrated on she doesn’t love you, tried to hear it as a statement, and then to believe it.
    It didn’t take – he just pictured his wife bent over a tortoise skeleton at the ROM, then her pacing the living room with
Marley in her arms and graham cracker crumbs down both their sweaters. Then Rae with her head thrown back at orgasm, mouth open pink, dark hair strewn on an orange-juice stained pillow.
    â€œMaybe I got the date wrong. Or she did.” He was pleased to hear ease in his voice, dreamy absent-mindedness, and assurance.
    â€œI’m not a virgin.”
    He choked on air.
    She gazed at him, the green of her eyes greyer than her father’s, more muted, although not dull. Like a camouflaged python. “It’s your turn to talk.”
    â€œThat’s not a rule that’s strictly observed.”
    â€œI’m observing it.”
    â€œSo . . . are you ok with that?”
    â€œWell, I wasn’t raped or anything.”
    â€œI’m just not certain what you want me to do with this information, Colleen.”
    â€œ Do ? Does anyone do anything with information? It’s just for knowing.”
    â€œSome information, yes, requires a reaction.”
    â€œSo what could be the reaction I want? What could I want you to do?”
    â€œI can’t tell you what you want.”
    â€œI’m not asking that. I didn’t know I could want anything . I’m asking you to give me a list of options and I’ll choose.”
    â€œWell . . .” He knew he was being baited, but Jake was at the hedge unfastening Marley from her stroller, his best meal all week had been turnips, and his wife was a) in her Post-it feathered cubical, b) in her snug bachelor apartment, eating spaghetti out of a tin and thinking of the lesson she had taught him, c) fucking a stranger or, at least, a stranger to Theo, or d) something he couldn’t ever imagine.
    The worst part was that he knew d) was correct and no matter what course the future took, he would never know what Raeanne
had been doing at six that evening. At least Colleen was there, with her ugly dress high on her straight narrow thigh, which was parallel his Zellers jeans. He loved her because she was there, speaking to him, passing the time. This had always been his undoing.
    â€œWell, Colleen, if you don’t see any options, there probably aren’t any. Really.”
    â€œThat’s how it works?”
    â€œIn this case. It’s not like a menu, the lemonade or the boilermaker. These are internal choices, about what you want.”
    â€œBoilermaker?”
    â€œIt’s a drink, a beer and a shot . . . It doesn’t matter, you’re too young to drink.”
    â€œI am?”
    â€œOh, god, what part of teenager class did you miss? You don’t tell your dad’s friends this stuff.”
    She nodded as though taking notes on the customs of foreign tribes.
    â€œ. . . .unless you are seeking some sort of reaction from them, which you claim you can’t even imagine.”
    â€œBut you choose your reaction. So how should I know what you’ll do?”
    â€œSo you told me about losing your virginity . . . to see what I’d do?”
    For the first time that afternoon answers didn’t bounce out of her throat the moment