The Betrayer Read Online Free PDF Page A

there. Please.”
    He saw that in
his mind, saw her scrambling to gather clothes, putting them on as she kept the
phone wedged under her chin. She’d confessed to him once that she could never
come to his place because she wouldn’t last five minutes alone with him. He
thought now of blowing off the meeting and waiting for her. Would she offer
herself to him to keep him from leaving? Would she undress herself for him, while
he watched, let him do all the things he wanted? All the things that they had
both confessed to wanting — late one night over the phone, she in her home up
in Westchester, he in this West Village apartment, thirty miles between them,
thirty miles keeping them safe.
    As much as he
craved that — as deep into his soul the pleasure of that would undoubtedly
reach — he knew he couldn’t let himself have it.
    Any night but
tonight.
    “I’ll text you
when it’s done,” he said. “It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two. If you
don’t hear from me, then I need you to let my sister know what happened.”
    “And how will I
do that, Jeremy? I mean, without getting involved? How can I come forward like
that? How can I explain it to my husband? You’re putting me in a bad situation.”
    It was the
first time he’d heard even a hint of anger in her voice.
    “I know I am,”
he said. “I’m sorry. But I don’t have anyone else I can turn to. I don’t have
anyone else I can trust.”
    “I’m walking
out the door right now, Jeremy.” He could hear the sharp echo of shoes quickly crossing
a wooden floor. “Stay there, okay? I’m your friend and I care about you. I
don’t like the sound of this guy, I told you that. You said yourself it could
be dangerous. I’ll be there in an hour. Just wait for me—”
    He abruptly closed
his cell phone. His heart was pounding, his mouth and throat dry. He needed a
moment before daring to open the phone again. When he did, his hands were once
again shaking.
    He thought immediately
of scoring some heroin. Of course he did. His mind still did this now and then,
still reverted to its old pattern of craving. It would be so easy for him to
find a fix. Just one phone call, maybe two. He even knew one dealer who would be
more than happy to deliver to his door. One hit and he could shut off his thoughts
as well as his feelings. Numb the fear, the guilt, his desire to be seen by one
person as lovable, even if that one person was married and would never leave
her husband for him…
    Instead of
punching in any of the phone numbers he still knew by heart, Jeremy sent his
sister’s phone number to Elizabeth’s cell via text message. He made a point of
sending Cat’s personal cell number and not her office number. He realized that he
should have told Elizabeth he would be doing that; it might have alleviated some
of her fears about having to get involved in any official way. He had no desire
to destroy her life; he’d destroyed too many already.
    But he didn’t
dare call her back to tell her this. He knew he could not resist her pleading
for him to wait for her a second time.
    He powered down
his cell phone, in case she tried to call back, dropping it into the hip pocket
of his jeans. Grabbing his laptop from his kitchen table, he slipped it into a backpack,
then paused to consider the possibility that Elizabeth might not come through
for him. Was he asking too much of her? Or would she get halfway here and
decide that all this was a bluff, a means of manipulating her into bed? Anything
was possible. There was also the real possibility that he might get himself
killed in the next few hours. He didn’t want to dwell on that, but he couldn’t
ignore the facts, either. The old Jeremy ignored facts, lived a life of
delusion, not the new Jeremy, the clean Jeremy, the Jeremy who saw
things clearly.
    And who,
unfortunately, felt fear — real fear — for the first time.
    Jeremy’s father
had faced death countless times, first in Vietnam and then as an undercover