The Average American Marriage Read Online Free PDF Page A

and soaking wet. Realize that Jane has pissed all over me while sleeping. Call Alyna in to help me. She laughs at me, then takes Jane to the bathroom. Toss my clothes in the washer and head to the bathroom for a shower. Start to jerk off in the shower. Lose boner when I hear Alyna come into the bathroom and ask me if I can take some things to the post office for her on my way to work the following morning.
    9:06 P.M. Tuck the kids in with Alyna. Give Alyna a back rub on our bed in the hope that it’ll get her in the mood to fuck or suck my dick. Recognize the sound of Alyna snoring and realize she’s fallen asleep during the back rub. Pull the covers up over her and go into the living room.
    10:01 P.M. Watch the news. Want to fuck the news bitch.
    10:37 P.M. Put hand in pants and tug at my dick a little but am too tired to get a hard-on. Give up.
    10:40 P.M. Think about going to the office to jerk off to Internet porn but I’m too tired to get out of the chair.
    10:42 P.M. Think about going to the office to jerk off to Internet porn but I’m again unable to conjure the energy to get out of the chair.
    11:30 P.M. Watch Leno/Letterman.
    12:30 A.M. Fall asleep watching Fallon.
    1:07 A.M. Wake up. Realize I should go to bed. Reason that, if I have to get out of the chair, I should go to the office and jerk off to Internet porn. Stand up. Head to the office.
    1:16 A.M. Blow load into a paper towel that I brought from the kitchen specifically so there would be minimal cleanup while watching Little Lupe take a dick in the ass. Start playing Zuma on Facebook.
    1:32 A.M. Accidentally wake Alyna up as I get into bed. Tell her I was watching TV when she asks what I was doing.
    1:48 A.M. Hear “I love you,” say “I love you.”
    1:52 A.M. Welcome dreamless sleep.

chapter five
    The Intern
    I ’ve already interviewed two potential interns—both huge douchebags. They’re arrogant frat guys I could easily see turning into someone like my boss, Lonnie, in ten years. They talk about how exciting the world of business is to them and how much they just want to get in the game so they can start learning what it’s really like outside of an academic setting. I know every word out of their mouths is bullshit. They just need internship credit for school, and the company I work for happens to supply it. They don’t give a shit about anything. Neither do I, really, but I hope I don’t have to choose one of these fucks to be wandering around the office every day asking me if there’s anything they can do to be more productive.
    After the second dickhead leaves the conference room, I check my schedule and see that the next candidate is a girl: Holly McDonnel. I look at her résumé, already knowing it will be identical to that of every other college kid I’ll meet with. I notice she’s twenty-one and immediately think about fucking her in the conference room. Even though I have no idea what she actually looks like, I imagine she has a young, hard body, no wrinkles, wearing a skirt that almost reveals the bottom of her ass but not quite. I imagine her telling me that she’ll suck my dick if I can get her the internship. I imagine me telling her that she’ll have to suck my dick or fuck me in my office once a week to keep it. I imagine her agreeing to my terms.
    I leave the conference room and head to the lobby, where the potential interns are all waiting. Two more frat douches and a girl. She’s fucking hot. Not exactly what I imagined but hot nonetheless. I say, “Holly?”
    She says, “Yes.”
    I reach out my hand. She stands up and shakes it. I say, “Nice to meet you. Come on back,” and let her walk in front of me toward the conference room.
    She’s shorter than I would have thought, maybe five foot two, and even though her skirt isn’t as revealing as I previously hoped for, I can tell her ass is a little bigger than I would have