The Autograph Hound Read Online Free PDF

I’w kiw you. I’w kiw you a miwion times.” I even picked my teeth with my pinky. Mom would start to laugh. Each time I’d hit myself, she’d laugh harder. “The fourth Ritz Brother!” she’d wheeze. It was great—the two of us entertaining ourselves like friends. Sometimes she’d get up, and hurry into the other room. When she came back, she’d say “Whaddya want, Ben?” “I dunno.” “ Makeup! ” she’d scream, and whack me with a fluffy powder puff. A white cloud would hang all around me. I could taste the powder in my teeth. She’d shake with laughter (this was before she started shaking for real). “My son the actor,” she’d say, and pat my head.
    But Gloria’s too New York for slapstick.
    â€œSo long,” says Moonstone, slapping something flat and rubbery in my hand as he slips out of the booth. “It’s for your tip.”
    Moonstone puts on his sunglasses and bows to Gloria.
    â€œGood riddance to bad trash,” she says.
    At the door, Moonstone turns. “Sticks and stones.”
    The waiter puts the check in the middle of the table. Gloria acts like she doesn’t see it. The check flops off the table. I pick it up and put it back.
    â€œI hope you’re not insulted?”
    â€œI’m not frowning, am I? Do you see any wrinkles?”
    â€œOr upset?”
    â€œIn my business, you do your crying in the dressing room. Once you walk out that door, you show nothing. You hold it in. Nobody wants an emotional actress.”
    â€œIt’s this kind of thing I’m after. I’ll file it under Miscellaneous.”
    â€œBut I told it to you.”
    â€œI’ll keep it on a card for when you’re famous.”
    â€œI’ve got you pegged. The Don Ameche. First, you get a girl to tell you everything. You give her the bum’s rush—flattery, promises, the whole thing. Then you take advantage.”
    â€œYour information’s safe with me. I got two thousand, three hundred and seventy-six autographs, five hundred and fifty-two doubles. All locked tight in my apartment.”
    â€œReally?”
    â€œSomeday my collection will be famous.”
    â€œAll you do is collect women.”
    â€œAnd men, too.”
    â€œI don’t wish to know about that.”
    â€œWhat’s it like being under the lights?”
    â€œNo comment.”
    Gloria pushes the check over to me.
    I push it back.
    â€œDon’t be fresh,” she says.
    â€œI thought you were treating.”
    â€œWho said?”
    â€œYou’re the one in movies. You’re the one with a Players’ Guide instead of a pad.”
    â€œMoonstone gave you money. I saw him.”
    â€œNo, he didn’t.” I drop Moonstone’s present and put my sneaker over it. I hold out my hands to prove nothing’s in them.
    Gloria pulls the veil down from her hat. “A lady’s not supposed to pay for herself. That’s the man’s job. And, for your information, the lady’s not supposed to even see the check. I don’t want to see it.”
    â€œWell, it’s two dollars and five cents.”
    â€œMoney doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”
    â€œBut you’re so well dressed.”
    â€œI have to shop very carefully. In show business, you’ve got to save for the dry periods.”
    â€œGive me your address. I’ll send you my share.”
    â€œI should never talk to strangers.”
    She takes the money out of her purse and hands it to me under the table.
    â€œYou pay,” she says.
    The soda jerk comes from behind the counter to collect. He won’t go away.
    â€œWhat about a tip, Gloria?”
    She puts more change on the table. She shakes her head. “The way you start with a man’s the way you end.”
    â€œIs that another movie saying?”
    â€œForget it,” she says, handing me her overcoat.
    Gloria stops and stares at