drift across her
finger, the prickle irritation of the hair there brushing her skin. She checked behind
her to make sure the door was securely closed. She bent her head towards his face,
noticing how her hands had begun to tremble, and placed her lips where her finger
had been, hovering just above his. When he breathed out again she opened her mouth
and took his breath into her, holding it inside her till her temples throbbed. Then
she exhaled, aiming her breath at his lips, seeing his chest fill with her, lifting
the sheet slightly, spilling that earthy smell of his skin out into the evening.
Holly slipped her shoes off and lay down beside him, her head on the cold cotton
of the spare pillow. He shifted slightly, pulling his hand towards his chest, the
sheet shifting with it, off his shoulder, exposing the smooth expanse of his chest,
the small pink whorl of his nipple, the little hairs surrounding it.
She wondered if he was wearing jeans or just underpants under the sheet, or, like
her, nothing at all. It would be a simple thing to lift the sheet just an inch and
see. Now the thought was in her head it seemed impossible to forget how easy it would
be. Terribly wrong, of course, but he wouldn’t know. No one would be the wiser. She
had a sudden urge to pull the sheet away and cup the fruit he had hidden there, bury
her head in that salty sweet man-smell, to taste it. Perhaps even like this, with
the sleep of the dead on him, she could arouse him with her fumbling explorations.
What would it be like to arouse a man? What would happen if that shimmying dance,
those slow tasselled circles, were performed for a naked man? She knew what a penis
looked like. She had seen them on statues, in paintings. Once she had even thought
she saw her father’s when his towel slipped. She felt a stirring in her own flesh,
but in reality she could not put the image of a flash of pink in her father’s hairy
crotch together with the sleeping figure beside her. It would be so easy to lift
the sheet and see how he was made. Instead she pulled her knees up towards her stomach,
her hands fisted against her cheek.
She looked at his face, a lesser intrusion. His lashes, thick and dark as if mascaraed.
A small shimmer of moisture around his eyelids, perhaps the alcohol sweating out
of him. Holly could see every fine pore in his skin and the thick ruddy hair sprouting
from it. She imagined that if she looked without blinking for a long time she could
track the growth of his beard.
She did lift the sheet then, but did not look under it. Instead she settled in beside
him. He shifted a little and she thought he might wake but he stilled again, a smile
shifting suddenly onto his lips and then away. What was he thinking? Was he sensing
her flesh beside him? Dreaming of a time when they would share a bed as husband and
wife?
Holly reached out gently and touched the tip of her finger to his lip. He did not
stir. His immobility made her bold. She stroked his lip, soft but edged by the coarse
hairs of his beard; let her finger dip in between the lips and touch the edge of
his tongue. Their kisses were always dry, close-lipped. She was surprised to find
his tongue so damp inside his mouth.
She remembered a wayward girl at school who liked her boyfriend to slip his tongue
between her other lips, the ones between the pale softness of her thighs. The bad
girl said she made sure those lips were stripped of all hair when her boyfriend
visited. She said it was like kissing, and Holly had imagined exactly how. Her lips
would be closed to him at first, dry, soft, unyielding. Then he would kiss with more
passion and the girl’s lips would respond, parting a little at first as if about
to speak. His tongue would push inside her then, as if searching for hers. Gently
at first, and then with more force. Her lips would be wet by now but there was no
tongue inside to meet his and the more he pushed his in, searching all the soft wet
hollows, the more she might wish