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you sit down while we cook?”
    I plop down on the couch, grabbing a magazine off the end table. Under it is what Danny calls the pregnancy bible.
    Wait.
    Could I be pregnant?  
    Was the little bit of spotting I had yesterday technically a period?
    I think back to all the periods I’ve ever had in my life. The shortest since I went on the pill lasted two days. Yesterday when I got it, it was really light. But I was so surprised by how sad I felt that I didn’t notice.
    I pick up the pregnancy book and thumb through it, looking for any shred of information on this subject.  
    The first chapter is about what to do before you conceive.
    “What are you looking at?” Lori says, startling me.
    “Oh, I was just curious about some things.”
    “Like what?”
    “You know, like, after you go off the pill when can you start trying,” I lie. What I’m really doing is frantically trying to see if you can sort of get your period and be pregnant. “I see there’s a whole bunch of stuff you’re supposed to do before you conceive. Um, Lori, could you give me your doctor’s name? I think I should go see him. Get started on the right foot.” I quickly put the book down and pick up the magazine.
    “Sure, let me get my phone. I’ll text you his contact info.”
    Phillip strolls in with a box of donuts.  
    “Jay got sick again,” is the first thing out of Danny’s mouth.  
    “Yeah, I think I’m going to go home and lie down,” I say.
    Phillip kisses me and gives me a smirk. “Care if I stay for breakfast?”
    “No, go ahead.”
    I’m throwing my shoes on when Lori hands me the book. “Why don’t you take this home and look over it. There’s more than a chapter on what to do before you get pregnant.”
    “So there are a bunch of chapters about sex?” Phillip asks with a grin on his face. “Maybe we should read that together.”
    Danny punches him in the shoulder. “You never should have said that, dude.”
    I grab the book and the donuts then run home and read the list of pregnancy symptoms.

    Tender boobs?   No
    Peeing a lot?   No  
    Really tired?   Yes, but could be the flu.
    Nausea?   Yes, but could be the flu.
    Smells?   Yes.  
    Bloating?   Doesn’t everyone get bloated before their period?
    Spotting?   That’s probably more what my so-called period was.  
    Missed period?   Hmmm.

    I run in the bathroom to check things out.  
    Still nothing.  
    I’m eating another donut and rummaging through the kitchen looking for the pregnancy test when Phillip sneaks up behind me.
    “What are you doing?”
    “Um, I was looking for that pregnancy test thingy. You had it in the kitchen and, uh, you know, with your parents coming for the Super Bowl party, I didn’t want them to see it and get any ideas.”
    “Oh, good point.” He reaches into the pantry, moves a box of protein shake mixes, and hands me the test. “Why don’t you put this in our bathroom. Hopefully it won’t be long until we need it.”

    January 29th
    Holy shit.  

    I pretend to be asleep while Phillip gets ready for work but the second I hear the garage door shut, I jump out of bed, peek out the bathroom window to watch him drive down the street, then run to the closet, get the test out, and read the instructions.  
    Remove the stick. Take off the cap. Then either pee on the stick for five seconds or pee into the cup.  
    Which do I want to do?
    Cup.  
    I sit on the toilet.
    And then start crying.  
    I don’t know what I want.  
    I run through the living room, grab the pregnancy book, bring it in the bathroom, and reread the part about how you shouldn’t drink when trying to conceive.
    I mentally calculate the number of alcoholic drinks I had on our honeymoon. The martinis, champagne, and beer consumed at the wedding.  
    I don’t know what I want.
    But, now, I really have to pee, so I go in the cup.  
    Then I put the stick in and start counting.
    One.  
    Two.
    Three.  
    Four.  
    Five.  
    I take the stick out, put the cap