Tears of Leyden Read Online Free PDF Page A

me and seeing all that lies within.
    I feel my sobs dying. My throat hurts from the tremendous amount of screaming and chocking I had done. I feel my body quiet down without my want of it to. I tense partially without the tears to blur my senses and wish they would come back, but there is no telling when my tears will return. They are dried and gone, leaving me to fend for myself.
    I can’t move, I try to force the appearance of thankfulness into my being but I find none. I cannot stay like this. I silently render the words of prayer for strength into my mind, asking for intuition to guide me. For once, prayer seems to do nothing, leaving me cold and alone on the ground.
    I deliberately start to raise my head to look up and around me. I reluctantly start to rise. There is nothing to rise to, but maybe I can get answers. Answers to what will become of moeder and Meyleia and of what is to happen to me. The room is quiet and closed up. No one but the soldier and I are within it. I gradually uncurl and push up with my hands into a sitting position.
    I look down and out into the space opposite him, hiding from the cautious eyes which are watching me sympathetically. I close my eyes and try not to let a sob escape my mouth. I timidly glance up at him, still partly taking refuge behind my many strands of tangled hair.
    He calmly and unsurely watches me, the articulate features and subtle eyes gazing into my mine as though questioning me through the silence. I feel as though his eyes cool, and shrink even as I know I imagined it.
    He sighs again and pauses. “I…I am sorry…” His voice is soft.
    I push it away, not wanting to feel another person’s sympathy.
    He steps closer and I curl away, not wanting him to touch me with the hands of people who took my family; first my vader, now my moeder and sister. I can’t let them take me too.
    He stops in his stride and seems once more unsure of what to do. “I won’t hurt you.”
    I do not uncurl before his requests.
    “You cannot stay afraid of my caring for you…it is my duty and I can’t not follow it.” His voice is gentle and calm.
    I glance with no movement but my eyes through my hair.
    “I am sorry about your family…but I could do nothing more…”
    I suddenly feel a sharp prick in my heart. Not do anything more than…what? What had he done that had been so gallant? He’d gone too far. I whirl and my hair flies. I feel incensed. If he was all I had to take my emotions out on, then no matter the cost, I would use him to my advantage. I glare wide eyed at him. “You killed them,” I spit.
    His face is calm but soft.
    “You didn’t save them…”
    He drops his hand to his side.
    I shake my head. “How could you?” I whisper, feeling too close to tears. “How can you men be so cruel…?” My bottom lip trembles. “I hate you,” I say.
    His face pales and he steps in a little as though going to protest but I strike out at him. He catches my hand and I once again am imperiled to fear, but he merely drops it and I take the chance and don’t bite my tongue.
    “I hate you!”
    He squats before me, his face hovering inches from mine and the heat of it sending those intolerable shivery sensations through my being. “Look at me,” he directs.
    I avoid his gaze.
    He sighs as though not knowing what he is to do with me.
    Now I do blame him, it is his fault we are in this. After what feels like a few stubborn seconds, I hesitantly turn to look at him. Our eyes meet and he searches mine for answers… little does he know that there are none.
    “I couldn’t save your family and you,” he says softly. “I just couldn’t…”
    I choke up at his absurdity. “Why does it matter?” I sob. “Why does it matter to you whether I am dead or alive….you couldn’t let me and my family be and saved me from this…this suffering…why?” I feel my eyes fill to their brim and have to stare out of force. I do not dare to blink in fear of causing the water behind my