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least she had been faithful to him. Other men didn’t interest her, though she pretended otherwise, and she knew that here Sean would draw the line, as he’d said.
    But now, as she watched him enter the house, she felt physically sick. She turned and looked at the surrounding woods, and slowly walked out through the gates into the trees.
    She had gone too far. Douglas had been right. She’d been pushing too hard for weeks now. Leaving the road, she walked back between the trees, which were beginning to turn for autumn. She kicked at scattered leaves on the ground, then leaned back against one of the trees. Her stomach felt hollow and she crossed her arms and leaned over. Suddenly, she felt her frustration like a force moving up from her stomach. She began to cry, at first softly, and then threw herself headlong on the ground and sobbed uncontrollably.
    After a time, she stopped and lay quietly. Then she got up and walked back to the house, through the front room, and back to their bedroom. She took a shower and put on a terry-cloth robe, then walked back through the house to Sean’s study.
    He sat in his chair in front of his desk. His right hand cradled his head and covered his eyes. He might have been sleeping.
    “Sean.”
    He looked up. She crossed to him and knelt on the floor beside him.
    “It’s not working, is it?”
    He stared silently ahead.
    “Because I want to tell you that we have to start over, and not be afraid to admit or show that we like each other. It’s like we’ve gotten so that anything but fighting is out of the question between us, and I don’t want to fight you anymore. I really don’t.”
    He put his hand on her head and smoothed her hair. He looked impassive, bitter.
    She put her head on his lap and whispered, “It just seems that ever since we started, it’s been one or both of us afraid to be ourselves. I don’t know why. But it’s been like there’s this . . . I don’t know, this force making a travesty of us living together. Like we never really wanted to try, but something made us. You know what I’m saying?”
    He nodded, gently rubbing her neck.
    “But now it’s gotten horrible. I don’t care, now, if you hurt me. If you want to, then go ahead, but I won’t be a bitch anymore. We don’t have to be this way.”
    “I know.”
    “So let’s not. Let’s stop.”
    “What have I been doing?”
    “Hiding.”
    “From what?”
    She stopped looking up at him. “Let’s just leave it at that. There’s more to you than you show me.”
    “There’s more to everyone than they show anyone.”
    “You showed me more our first night.”
    He was silent.
    “Come on. Stand up.” She was smiling now. “Do you want me to help you change?”
    “I can change myself,” he answered.
    “I know. Do you want me to help you?”
    Gradually his features softened. He smiled. “Let’s have a kiss,” he said. “Then we’ll see.”

Three
     
    We stayed in bed until the sun had nearly gone down. Below we could hear Sean and Kyra speaking with the guests, who had come up from the town, I assumed. The window in our room looked out over the courtyard and to the trees beyond. It was a beautiful evening. We had dozed and I had wakened before Lea. Lying on my back, I enjoyed the weight of Lea’s head as it rested on my chest, her leg thrown carelessly over mine. Sean’s earlier foolishness was forgotten. I even felt kindly disposed toward Kyra.
    Berta rang what we called the half-hour bell, telling us when dinner would be served, and I pulled gently at Lea’s hair.
    “Food,” I whispered.
    “Uhhh.”
    “Dinner bell just now.”
    I took my arm from around her and sat up. Automatically, it seemed, she reached out and scratched my back.
    “God, I’m lazy.”
    “So it seems.”
    I got up. “Coming?”
    “Minute.”
    The upstairs showers had been installed the previous spring, but had not been connected to the water heater, so showering was more of an ordeal than I’d been used to,