Stuff Hipsters Hate Read Online Free PDF Page A

keytarist
     

SOBRIETY
     

    Hipsters know their ABCs: Adderall, Booze, Coke. Knowledge may be power, but the total obliteration of cognizance is totes more fun.
     

PHOTOS LIKE THIS ONE
     

    a. More than one person is looking into the camera and smiling. If anyone ever notices me skulking around with my Nikon N2000, I take my finger off the shutter, stat.
    b. They’re at a bar. You can see their fucking drinks on the table (with twists) and the background is a black booth. Really aesthetically pleasing, girls.
    c. It’s after sunset. Never take pictures after sunset. Flash is for the weak and stupid.
    d. That chick is making a fucking gang sign with her bejeweled fingers. Christ, if she knew what that meant…seriously, the only acceptable hand signal for a photo is the lookout (over the eyes). But you’re really better off just pretending you have no idea there’s a camera nearby.
    e. This was obviously taken with a point-and-shoot. The shutter speed is giving me a fucking heart attack. And that is clearly digital zoom.
    f. This is probably one of 18 nearly identical photos they put on Facebook in an album entitled “Saturday Night’s Alright” or “Big Pimpin’ Up in NYC” or “gOoD tlmEz <3.”
    Fuck, somebody fire up the Photoshop so I can make the snaps I took last night look like Polaroids—I need a little fucking authenticity.
     

HAVING AN ALL-HIPSTER FRIEND GROUP
     
    Yes, 96 percent of the population is not cool enough to be worthy of any given hipster’s friendship. But interestingly, a hipster’s social circle is not entirely homogeneous. A h-boy or -girl’s friend group usually contains, but is not limited to, the following satellites:
     
The Token Trixie Any hipster girl worth her Tapatio sauce has at least one made-up, put-together, totally unhipster friend whom she shows off at Bed-Stuy parties and marvels at over coffee—red-eye for Shane, soy chai for Brooke. (Strangely, the hipster half of the pair has no interest in seeing the doll in her natural habitat. In other words, she’s happy to trot her fancy friend around Greenpoint like a prize pony on Sunday afternoons, but fuck if she’s going anywhere near said friend’s favorite Upper East Side bar with its $15 branded T-shirts and mechanical bull.)

    The Friend “From Out of Town”
     
     
    As loathe as they are to admit it, every hipster has a past—a past that most often included a cadre of awkward buds who were similarly really into The Chronicles of Narnia and listening to Nick Drake while driving aimlessly around the desolate sprawling suburbs of Middle America, dreaming of the day they’d finally be free from the tyranny of popular Paige and her cronies. Said friend is still a free spirit—she works at the Environmental Protection Agency and lives somewhere kinda cool, like Portland, Maine—but she’s not quite up on all the trends. Like, she still reads The Believer , and when she visits the hipster ghetto she gapes at all the full-grown men on skateboards and gets super excited when she sees that dude from that band.
     

    That Guy That She Hooks Up with Sometimes Yeah, man, she’ll call you at 2 a.m. to come over…but if you want to be included in her brunch plans or lazy weekend picnics, you’re S.O.L. Why? I dunno, dude, you’re probably the kind of guy who plays “beer games” with his buds at his parent’s condo in Vermont, or your pants are too loose. Either way, you’re basically a Japanese love pillow: a comforting, kind of weird way to fill a girl’s bed, but not to be paraded around in public.
     

CALLING PEOPLE BY THEIR REAL NAMES
     

COMING TO YOUR EVENT
     

    Ha. Yeah, right. That would require:
    1. Hanging with your friends.
    2. Going to a venue that may or may not be appropriate to visit.
    3. Possibly purchasing you a present.
    4. Conceivably paying for transport.
    5. Foresight.
     

BRO BARS
     
    The spur-of-the-moment selection of a watering hole is of utmost importance to your average