Story of My Life Read Online Free PDF Page B

I’d be looking through the new Saks catalogue that just arrived in the mail and I’d point to a sweater or something and say, I love that, and he’d go, I’ll get it for you and I’d go, really? and he’d be like raising his eyebrows and winking. And I’d be like, oh, yeah, I get it.
    So I’d get tough and make him fill out the order form with his credit card number and seal the envelope before I’d go down on him. And when I was really being a hard-ass I’d make him walk it out to the post office with his hard-on. I don’t know, I think it turned him on even more. The harder a time I’d give him, the harder he’d be.
    Alex was really pissed when I read in
Vogue
or somewhere that there’s like twelve hundred calories or something like that in an average load of come. Because at the time I was kind of anorexic and the last thing I was looking for was a way to swallow an extra thousand-plus calories. So I got kindof reluctant after that. Because, really, it seems to me it’s kind of rude and insulting not to swallow. Like inviting someone to your house for a dinner party and then making them eat in the kitchen with the help. Anyway, God was Alex pissed. I think he even wrote a letter to the editor of
Vogue
. Or maybe it was
Cosmo
. Whatever. He got paranoid and started talking about feminist dykes taking over the media and stuff. And when he wanted it he’d whine and squirm like a hound with his nose in a foxhole, because as I say I wasn’t that hot on the whole operation to begin with. When you love someone, okay. I loved Alex, and there is some kind of special thing about doing something for someone you love that’s a better feeling than anything else in the world, even if it’s something you normally wouldn’t do at all. Or maybe especially if it’s something you normally wouldn’t do.
    Did I say love? Wash my mouth out with soap. Dean said this great thing last night, we were talking about drama, and Dean quotes this line, it goes, men have died from time to time and worms have eaten them, but not for love. And I’m like, absolutely. It’s from Shakespeare, a girl called Rosalind says it. Dean says I remind him of Rosalind, says she’s a great character. So maybe I’ll check out this play, see if it’s got a monologue I can use.
    Anyway . . . I wonder sometimes if it would have lasted with Alex if he hadn’t fucked me over. Then I say—what are you, soft in the head? It never lasts. I haven’t seen one example yet. But there’s still this ideal in your head, you know, like a visionof a place you’ve never visited, but that you’ve dreamed about or seen in a movie you’ve forgotten the title of, and you know you’d recognize it immediately if you ever saw it in real life. It would be like going home, tired and whipped after a really long time on the road, if home was like it’s supposed to be, instead of the disaster area it actually is.

3
Sense-Memory
     
    So I kiss Dean good-bye about three in the afternoon. Can you taste yourself? I go, and he blushes. I swear, these older guys are so straight. Cracks me up. You’d think growing up in the sixties when every body was balling at rock festivals and doing acid would’ve made them pretty wild, but most of the guys I know who are around thirty—they shock pretty easily. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Am I so outspoken? All my friends are like this, so how weird can I be? But I think with a little work we might be able to loosen old Dean up. He’s definitely got potential.
    Anyway, Dean, he’s wearing this shit-eating grin on his face, which he’s had ever since I came up for air, which is a good thing, I’m glad he’s happy, since I have to ask him for cab money because I’ve got to get back to my apartment to change and pick up my script and then downtown to Strasberg within the hour. I hate to start right in hitting him up for money but he’s real sweet about it and gives me a twenty and I kiss him again and before we know