Stormie: A Story of Forgiveness and Healing Read Online Free PDF

at my apartment was because Terry revealed to him my plans to be married. He was confused and baffled. “Terry thinks you’re making a big mistake, Stormie,” he said emphatically, “and so do I.”
    “I know I’m making a mistake, but I can’t do anything about it. The whole thing is set in motion and I can’t stop it.” I swallowed hard to fight back tears.
    I couldn’t tell him I was terrified to live alone, that I didn’t deserve anything better, and that if anyone were to find out what I was really like he wouldn’t want me. How could I share that I believed there were no good relationships, at least not for me?
    I saw Michael every night for the ten nights before my wedding date. Rick never questioned where I was. One night Michael came to pick me up and Rick dropped by for a few minutes. I introduced them. Rick left immediately and never at any time asked for an explanation. The incident was indicative of our nebulous relationship.
    It was obvious that Rick and I had no basis for a marriage. We barely saw each other for the two weeks before the wedding. It was insane. I knew Michael thought I would call it off, but my life was out of control. It was spiraling downward at a horrifying rate and I thought getting married would keep me from hitting rock bottom.
    The night before the wedding, Michael and I saw each other to say goodbye. He picked me up at my apartment and we went for a drive. I was so depressed I could hardly speak because I knew we would not see each other again.
    “What are you doing, Stormie?” Michael asked, his voice intense with frustration. “You’re marrying a man you don’t love. Everyone thinks you’re making a big mistake, and I know you’re making a big mistake. You can stop this now, so why won’t you call it off?”
    “I can‘t, Michael,” I pleaded, wishing he could understand. But no one understood, not even me. “I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t stop it.” My fear and my intense emotional needs were making my decisions for me. The self-doubt was greater than my ability to do what was sensible.
    Michael pulled to the side of the road, took my hand, and said, “You know I love you very much.”
    “I love you too,” I said as I fell into his arms and began to cry. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody.”
    “Then why won’t you call this whole thing off?” His voice betrayed anger.
    “I can‘t,” I sobbed. “I just can’t.”
    It must have confused him terribly. No normal person would have behaved that way. No one was forcing me to get married. I was choosing this myself.
    Weeks earlier, when Michael had briefly tried to talk to me about Jesus, I had wanted no part of it. I had assumed it would mean intellectual suicide to identify with Christianity, and I just plain didn’t want to hear about it. Now I wished I had listened a little more, but it was too late. Even though I found it difficult to let go of the purity and cleanness of our relationship, I knew I had to forget Michael and get on with the problem of survival. We said goodbye and I went to bed and cried myself to sleep with the kind of tears that mourn a death.
    The next morning I awoke with my usual depression and suicidal thoughts. The sense of futility was greater than ever. I was getting married. This was the only feasible alternative for my life, and it felt like I was headed for hell.
    I worked through the morning depression by convincing myself that this marriage would be better than living alone. For a moment I thought of Michael. “Once he learned what I was really like, he would surely have rejected me,” I thought. That would have been devastating. I had to settle for some security and a reprieve from my intense loneliness and fear. I needed a place to belong, no matter what the conditions.
    In an unimpassioned state, I went through the motions as Rick and I were married. My descent into hell began immediately.

CHAPTER THREE

    THE EDGE OF