Stainless Steel Rat 11: The Stainless Steel Rat Returns Read Online Free PDF Page A

had come to them in great distress. He said that there was an outbreak of the dreaded tusk and trotter disease among the beasts on this ship. He feared for his own life and those of his shipmates—”
    “Just a minute,” I interrupted. “I am puzzled. In all my years as an inadvertent timeserving swineherd I never heard of this strange disease. Have you?” I asked, turning to my bucolic audience.
    There was a mass movement of head-shaking and a chorus of noes.
    “Well, there you are,” I said, turning and smiling benignly on the befuddled functionary. “Might I suggest that we all wait patiently while you contact your medical department for details of this dreaded disease?”
    “Order arms,” the sergeant shouted and the butts of the weapons hit the steel deck. The functionary dug a phone out of his briefcase and muttered into it.
    The silence stretched, tension grew. His mutter became a mumble—then a growl as his free hand shook wildly in the air. In the end he slammed the phone back into his briefcase, turned red-faced and angry.
    “Fall your men in, Sergeant. Take them back to base. The medics thought I was bonkers—they laughed! No such disease. A prank! Heads will roll . . .”
    “Were you told the name of the crewman who reported the disease?” Thoughts of murder, decapitation and worse danced in my head. He shuffled papers again.
    “Yes . . . here it is. The disease was reported by one Captain Rifuti.”
    I could hear my teeth grinding together as he exited, muttering, behind the troops. The audience shouted with joy, porcuswine squealed in the distance, Angelina gave me a warm and loving kiss. We were saved . . .
    For the moment. Gloom descended. The powers of evil were united against me. I must act—and at once. I sighed tremulously with the realization that all of this was going to be very, very expensive; visions of zeroes danced in my head.
    “What do we do next?” Angelina asked. She listened to the loud squealing. “The porcuswine sound so upset!”
    “I’m so upset!” I grated with clenched jaw. Were my teethreally grinding together? “Finances . . . bank balance . . . I must find out the worse . . . I must use your phone.”
    I took her phone, entered the bank number, punched in my access code, bulged my eyes . . . let the phone drop to the deck from my vibrating fingers.
    “Gone, all gone . . . all our funds . . . and more bills still coming in . . .”
    From a distance I heard Angelina’s voice warm with reassurance. While I was wondering if suicide was an option.
    “Poor Jim. What will you do?”
    Do? “Sit down,” I gurgled.
    Helping hands led me to the messhall and sat me in a chair. I was getting too old for this kind of cagle. “Drink.” I breathed and a glass was pressed to my lips. I drank and choked.
    “Water!”
    “A mistake,” Angelina said, turning towards the sea of worried faces. “Would any of you have a drink for Jim that is slightly
stronger
than water?”
    There was a muttering among the men and after a few moments a smoked glass bottle with an ominous black cork was thrust forward. It was decorked, tilted, poured—was it steaming in the glass? I glimpsed the label.
    PORCUSWINE PAIN-KILLER—NOT FOR CHILDREN
OR PREGNANT SOWS
     
    Sounded good. I sipped, drank, glugged, squealed.
    “Thank you,” I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes and rustled my bristles. “The future is clear. I know what must be done.”
    The silence was immense, my audience held their breath. “What?” Angelina whispered, speaking for all of them.
    “I must . . . see my bank manager.”
    A moan of sympathy hummed through the air. My mood changed instantly. The Stainless Steel Rat—he who walks alone—had no need for sympathy. Action! First my financial affairs must be straightened out. Then I must find the toerag Rifuti, who, in a moment of revenge, had invented a disease and done his best to bring me low. Mighty indeed is the Rat’s revenge!
    I leapt