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with, this is the Joe she doesn’t often see any more.
    He has been charming and funny and flirtatious. Perhaps he has flirted with their waitress a little more than Alice is comfortable with, but she is used to his ways now, and pretends not to notice.
    ‘Doesn’t it bother you,’ Emily once said, ‘how he flirts with anything in a skirt?’
    ‘Absolutely not,’ Alice had lied. ‘He’s all mouth and no trousers. He’ll look but he won’t touch.’ And although she knows this to be true, knows that he would never be unfaithful, that he is basically just an insecure little boy at heart who needs to be constantly reassured that women still find him attractive, she still finds it exasperating that he continues to flirt in her presence.
    ‘What?’ he says, shrugging. ‘Why are you giving me that look?’
    ‘You know why.’
    ‘I’m not flirting. God, Alice, you always think I flirt with everyone.’
    ‘That’s because you do.’
    ‘I’m just being charming.’
    ‘Smarmy, more like.’
    ‘Anyway. You’re the one I chose. You’re the one I’m married to.’
    ‘Hmmm.’ Alice raises an eyebrow. ‘I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.’
    The bill has been paid and Alice and Joe are just finishing their coffee. Joe’s hand is already stroking Alice’s thigh under the table, and they are smiling at each other, knowing what that means, knowing that tonight will not be an early night after all.
    ‘Alice! Joe!’ A piercing French accent rings out, and Joe’s hand leaps off Alice’s thigh as they both turn round to see Valerie and Martyn.
    Alice doesn’t like Valerie. She has known her for some months now, has bumped into her at several charity events, and on each occasion Valerie has said they must have lunch, but of course neither one has phoned the other.
    Truth be told, Alice is more than a little scared of Valerie. While Alice is aware she now looks the part, she also knows that, much like a little girl playing make-believe, she is pretending. Valerie, on the other hand, is the real McCoy. Originally from Geneva, Valerie was brought up in New York, and now flies between London, New York and Paris. So polished she’s almost gleaming, and so hard you’d hurt yourself if you bumped into her, she is witty, caustic, and the current darling of the society pages.
    She also flirts mercilessly with Joe every time she sees him, and the only small mercy is that – extraordinarily – Joe doesn’t flirt back. ‘She’s a ball-breaker,’ he said, when Alice first mentioned her. ‘A scary woman. Not sure I like her.’ Alice breathed a deep sigh of relief.
    ‘Valerie.’ Joe stands up, plants a kiss on each cheek, and shakes hands with Martyn, her current, and rather insignificant save for his small fortune, boyfriend.
    ‘Alice!’ Valerie bends down to kiss Alice, enveloping her in a cloud of Calèche. ‘You look so in love, the two of you, sitting here gazing into each other’s eyes. So romantic!’
    ‘Do we?’ says Alice brightly, thinking, yes, see how happy we are? That will teach you not to flirt with my husband. ‘It’s our anniversary.’
    ‘Oh, chérie, congratulations. How wonderful. How long?’
    ‘Five years.’ Alice continues to stake her claim.
    ‘Mon Dieu! That’s practically a lifetime! My first marriage lasted nine months and that was long enough, thank you. Aren’t you getting bored?’ Valerie turns to Joe and raises an eyebrow. Joe looks nervous.
    ‘Bored? With my beautiful wife? Absolutely not.’
    ‘But they say that variety is the spice of life,’ she says lightly. ‘After five years,’ she turns to look at Alice, ‘I’d be looking for a little variety.’
    ‘We don’t need variety,’ Alice smiles through gritted teeth. ‘We have each other. Come on Joe, love. Let’s go home.’ A dramatic pause. ‘To bed.’
    Valerie raises an eyebrow and smiles. ‘Enjoy yourselves, my darlings. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

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They fuck you