Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You: A Novel Read Online Free PDF

gay. I said it was not manly.”
    This inane conversation was interrupted by one of my father’s colleagues, Mr. Dupont, who stopped by our table on his way out of the dining room. I had met Mr. Dupont a few times over the years.
    “Hello, Paul,” he said to my father. “Hello, James.”
    “Hi, Mr. Dupont.”
    “So your dad tells me you’re headed off to Yale.”
    “Brown,” I said. “I think.”
    “Oh yes—Brown. Fine school, Brown. Huck’s off to Dartmouth. Turned down a full hockey scholarship at University of Minnesota. Imagine what that would have saved me.”
    “A bundle,” said my father.
    “A bundle and a half,” said Mr. Dupont. “Well, gentlemen, enjoy your lunch. I hope you’re getting the steak. It’s excellent today.”
    We sat for a moment in silence, and then the waiter delivered our meals. My father glanced at my plate of pasta, but said nothing. He cut into his nearly raw beef and smiled at the blood it drooled. “So,” he said, after he had taken a bite, “you’re not going to tell me?”
    “Not going to tell you what?”
    “Whether or not you’re gay.”
    “No,” I said. “Why should I? Did you tell your parents?”
    “I wasn’t gay,” said my father. “I was straight.”
    “So, what, if you’re gay you have a moral obligation to inform your parents and if you’re straight you don’t?”
    “James, I’m just trying to be helpful. I’m just trying to be a good father. You don’t have to get hostile. I just thought you might be gay, and if you were, I wanted to let you know that’s fine, and help you in whatever way I could.”
    “Why might you think I was gay?”
    “I don’t know. You just seem—well, let’s put it this way: you don’t seem interested in girls. You’re eighteen, and as far as I know you’ve never been on a date.”
    I said nothing.
    “Am I wrong? Or is that true?”
    “Just because I’ve never been on a date doesn’t mean I’m gay. And besides, no one goes on dates anymore.”
    “Well, whatever—normal kids hang out. They go out. Maybe date isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.”
    “You don’t think I’m normal?”
    “James, both of us know you have never been normal. We don’t need to argue about that. Now let’s drop the subject. I’ve obviously struck a nerve. I’m sorry. I was only trying to help you.”
    I didn’t say anything.
    My father attacked his steak with virility. I daintily ate my pasta. After a moment he said, “What do you mean, ‘I think’?”
    “What?”
    “You told Mr. Dupont that you’re going to Brown, ‘I think.’”
    “Oh, well, I’m not sure.”
    “What do you mean you’re not sure? Of course you’re going to Brown. We’ve already sent them money. You can’t switch schools now.”
    “I wasn’t thinking of switching schools,” I said.
    “Good,” said my father.
    “I’m thinking of not going to college at all.”
    My father put down his knife and fork. “What?” he said.
    “I’m not sure I want to go to college. In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t.”
    “What do you mean, you don’t want to go to college? Of course you want to go to college. What do you want to do, run away and join the circus?”
    “I don’t know. Maybe. I just don’t want to go to college.”
    “Why? Why not?”
    “I think it would be a waste of time.”
    “A waste of time! College?”
    “Yes,” I said. “For me. I’m confident I can teach myself everything I want to know by reading books and seeking out the knowledge that interests me. I don’t see the point of spending four years—four very expensive years—learning a lot of stuff I’m not particularly interested in and am bound to forget, just because it’s the social norm. And besides, I can’t bear the idea of spending four years in close proximity with college students. I dread it.”
    “What’s so bad about college students?”
    “They’ll all be like Huck Dupont.”
    “You’ve never met Huck Dupont.”
    “I don’t