Some Like It Hopeless (A Temporary Engagement) Read Online Free PDF Page B

who you killed. We can still live.”
    Brady stared at her, his stomach heaving.
    No forgiveness, ever.
    And he knew she was right. He would never forgive himself. He’d made peace with that.
    But he didn’t deserve to live, either. Cassandra was wrong about that.
    Didn’t deserve to find pleasure in simple things.
    Couldn’t sleep in a bed.
    Except when he was sleeping next to Cassandra, apparently.
    He didn’t know why except there was something so peaceful about her fatalistic view of the world. She saw how hard it was, how horrible. And then, somehow, moved past that.
    He knew, without even asking, what her motto in life was. Life’s a bitch. What’s next?
    What’s next? Brady didn’t have a next.
    His wife had been an angel. Not perfect, of course. They’d had their share of problems, most of them coming from him. But she’d been an angel. Forgiving him, loving him.
    Without her, he was lost.
    He didn’t yell at Cassandra again. “My wife was an angel. I don’t know why she was taken when I wasn’t. And I don’t deserve to live when she can’t.”
    “Why did she marry you?”
    He pinched his brows together. “What?”
    Cassandra waved her hand in the air and rolled her eyes. “Anybody dies, all of a sudden they were a saint. I’m sorry she died. I’m sorry she left you here to suffer alone. And I’m sorry that you killed her. But I doubt that she was a saint or an angel because you aren’t. And no angel could handle you.”
    “She couldn’t handle me. But she loved me anyway.”
    Cassandra squeezed her lips together, smiling at him. “That’s nice. That must have been very nice.”
    It had been.
    “And even if my wife hadn’t been an angel, my son was .”
    “How old was he?”
    Brady paused, swallowing the lump in his throat before saying, “Four.”
    He cleared his throat. “He was four, and he loved garbage trucks and swimming in the pool and getting thrown up into the air.”
    A car drove up the hill, slowing as if to turn in, then speeding off again. Probably teenagers, looking for someplace deserted. To have some fun, drink some pilfered beer. To live.
    Brady watched the taillights disappear and said, “I thought that as my nephews got older that it would hurt more. To see what he could have been. But it doesn’t work that way; he’ll always be four.”
    When he looked at Cassandra, there were tears in her eyes, and he rounded the car. “Do you really think someone like me deserves life?”
    She nodded, the tears still swimming, and she sniffed.
    He kissed her. Not as punishment, not as a distraction. He kissed her because he wanted to. He kissed her because she wasn’t an angel. She’d never forgive him like his wife had. Never look at him when he was Brady like she looked at him when he was Shane.
    But she could handle him. She could handle what he’d done. She could handle what he’d always be.
    He said softly, “What’s next?”
    She jumped, wrapping her legs around his waist, and he caught her.
    She said, “I’m going to drive down this hill and see if I can make you toss your cookies. Then we’ll go back to my place and you’ll fall asleep in my bed and wake up wondering what the hell just happened.”
    He huffed. That was exactly what he felt like when he woke up. “And then?”
    “What are you looking for, Brady?”
    She’d said he was looking for forgiveness. But that wasn’t it. He hadn’t really thought he was looking for anything. But now, he thought he might like a little bit of peace.
    He didn’t deserve it. He never would. But maybe he could have it anyway.
    He said, “When you get tired of pretending I’m Shane. What then?”
    “You mean when you get tired of driving all over for a little rest and relaxation when all you have to do is go down to your bar.”
    “I don’t mind driving all over when I’m the one behind the wheel. It’s you who will never be driving my car again.”
    He rested her against the car, her legs tight around his