Snakes' Elbows Read Online Free PDF Page B

conflict.’
    Of course nobody had the foggiest notion what he meant by this. However, because people don’t like to admit not knowing things in case it makes them look foolish, they pretended they did.
    â€˜Are you really?’ people would reply. ‘My goodness, how interesting.’
    Sometimes Jasper would even say, ‘You do know what I mean by the area of material supplies concerning international conflict, don’t you?’
    â€˜Of course! Of course!’ they cried.
    And by this Jasper knew for sure that they didn’t.
    The day Dandelion’s photograph was in the newspaper was to be a busy one for Jasper. He hated getting up early and so he was in a foul temper at breakfast, even worse than usual. ‘You didn’t put my milk on my cornflakes for me!’ he shouted at his maid.
    â€˜I thought it best to wait,’ she said. ‘I thought they would get all soggy on the way up from the kitchen.’
    â€˜They’re nice like that!’ Jasper bellowed. ‘I like ’em soggy! Don’t you even know that by now?’
    But the woman didn’t know because she had only been working for him for a week, and there were so many things he did and didn’t like that it was impossible to remember them all in such a short time. The toast had to be buttered while it was still hot. The milk had to go into the cup before the tea. All the crusts had to be cut off the bread before it got to the table because he hated crusts. Jasper had a million little whims and when he didn’t get exactly what he wanted he went wild. It took about two months to learn all his ways, but by that stage the servants had usually had enough. Some of them gave in their notice, but some of them were so afraid of him they simply climbed out of the window in the night and ran away.
    Cannibal and Bruiser did nothing to stop them. ‘Lucky thing,’ they thought wistfully as they watched the latest maid or butler or valetclimb over the gates at midnight and race off up the street to freedom. ‘Wish it was us.’
    Breakfast over, Jasper hopped out of bed and put on a sharp pinstriped suit, and slapped lashings of eau de cologne around his chops. It smelt quite delightfully of lemons and pinecones. Jasper had it specially made, for him alone, at mind-boggling expense. In the car on the way to the factory this morning he remembered that the head groundsman, whose job it was to feed the dogs, had done a bunk the day before and Jasper had forgotten to tell any of the other members of staff to look after the animals. ‘None of them will think of it,’ he said to himself. ‘They’re all too stupid. Oh well, Cannibal and Bruiser are big lads. I’m sure they can look out for themselves.’
    The factory was buried deep in the heart of the dark forest at the edge of the town and was surrounded by a series of high fences, each one topped with coils of razor wire. At each of three different gates Jasper had to give a passwordand show a special card with his photograph on it, to prove that he was who he said he was. At last his car rumbled to a halt in front of the dark windowless façade of the factory. Even Jasper had to admit it looked a bit sinister.
    A glum-looking man was slumped in a little cabin at the front door. ‘Tell Mr Smith I’m here to see him,’ Jasper said briskly.
    â€˜He expecting you?’
    â€˜You know as well as I do Mr Smith sees no one unless they make an appointment.’
    â€˜Trick question,’ said the glum-looking man. He made a brief telephone call and in no time at all Jasper was sitting in Mr Smith’s office.
    Mr Smith was as ordinary-looking and unremarkable as his name suggested (although it was rumoured that Mr Smith wasn’t his real name). He wore a grey suit with a neat white shirt and a blue tie. The only unusual thing about him was that he had a little gold tooth that could be seen when he smiled (which he