Sleight of Hand Read Online Free PDF

what you would think, never struck me as selfish at all.

A Chink in Destiny
    I get to Saint Paul’s fifteen minutes before the service. It’s a warm September day, and the stress of facing Jenny and perhaps Tom, plus the black roll-neck jumper I am wearing – it’s all combining to make me sweat. I spot them even before I have passed through the gate to the grounds, standing with their backs to me, both smoking, which is a surprise, because the last time I looked they had both quit.
    I walk slowly along the path hoping that they will turn around, and then, when they don’t, I pause a few feet from their backs. I swallow hard. I lick my lips and cough. “Hello,” I say, simply.
    They both turn to face me, Tom quickly, Jenny more slowly. Tom’s eyes widen, and Jenny’s expression remains entirely blank as if I am a foreign language film that she doesn’t quite understand.
    Her hair has grown much longer since we last met, and they both look thinner than I remember, but that’s perhaps the effect of all the black. Or maybe the cigarettes. Tom, who always did look good in a suit, looks stunning. But angry.
    â€œWhat the f …” he says. “Sorry, but what are you doing here?” Then to Jenny, he adds softly, “You didn’t tell me
he
was coming. How could you not tell me?”
    Jenny drags on her cigarette and then whilst blankly staring me in the eye, she says, flatly, “I didn’t know.”
    I step forward to shake Tom’s hand but he moves away making it impossible.
    â€œOK,” I say. “Fair enough. Look, I’m sorry Tom, but do you think I could have a quick word with Jenny?”
    I reach out and touch her arm. She doesn’t flinch. “Would that be OK?” I ask her.
    Jenny glances at Tom and shrugs one shoulder, then starts to move towards the side of the church.
    â€œTell him,” Tom says as we move away. “Just tell him to go, Jenny.”
    Once we are out of earshot, I say, “Look, Jenny, I wanted to come today, maybe I was wrong. If you, you know, you do want me to go …”
    Jenny nods slowly.
    â€œI would understand,” I say.
    She continues to nod and sighs deeply. “Well, good,” she says.
    â€œYou wrote and told me,” I say. “You sent me that email and I thought that might mean that you wanted me here … but it doesn’t matter.”
    â€œYou should have warned me,” she says. “I haven’t had time to think.”
    â€œI’m sorry,” I say. “I wrote, email … and I phoned your … I phoned the house. And I went there too. But you weren’t there.”
    â€œWe’ve been in a hotel,” she says. “The house has death in it.”
    I nod. “I see,” I say. “Look I’m so sorry Jenny.”
    She nods. “About?”
    â€œYour mum.”
    She nods again. “Right.”
    â€œAbout everything,” I say. “Of course I am.”
    She nods. “Everything,” she says, and I mentally add it all up and realise the enormity of everything I have been hoping she might cope with today. Her mother is dead and here’s her ex-best-friend Markwho cheated on her other best friend Tom before running off to Colombia with the first boyfriend she had had in years.
    â€œI’m sorry. This was stupid,” I say.
    Tom appears at the corner of the church. “Jenny, the service is about to begin,” he says.
    Jenny nods at him, then says to me, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say … It’s … It’s all so hard anyway,” she says. “Without you and Tom and … It wrecked so much. But you know that. I’m not sure if now is the time. I don’t want to be … But I’m not sure if there will
ever
be a time.”
    I nod. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll just go. Really, it’s fine. This was a stupid idea.” I feel a sudden