Simplicity Parenting Read Online Free PDF Page A

Carl Sandburg once said, “Nothing happens unless first a dream.” This is no exception. Your dreams for your family will be your motivation; they’ll act as your wings throughout the process.
    The Process: Hopes and Dreams
    Very often families come to me, whether through a school or private practice setting, because of a child’s behavioral issues. The impetus for a call or consultation is similar to a rash; it’s usually just an outward sign of something else, a broader or deeper issue. As I mentioned in the introduction, you can see so much, including what a family holds dear, from the pattern of their everyday lives. In order to get a clearer view of a family’s issues, I often offer them a choice between several months’ worth of family therapy sessions, or a one-day visit from me. Either way, I feel, gives me the same level of insight. Although it amuses me, it doesn’t surprise me how often families initially choose months of sessions, Mom and Dad eyeing each other nervously, rather than the visit. Certainly having someone invade your home for an entire day, from wake-up until after the children’s bedtimes, is no one’s idea of an inviting prospect.
    I don’t think the observation days are as painful as parents might imagine they will be. When a family chooses this option, I spend the day taking in the family’s particular dance of daily activities. I might play with the children, help a bit with the dishes. I often bring a little project with me, something I am making or mending, which keeps my focus from seeming too intense. While my presence is noticeable, I don’t sit and stare, clipboard and stopwatch at hand. Essentially I try to stay on the margins, but within the overall mix of daily life. I might also split up my observations to cover part of a school day and part of a weekend day, depending on the particular difficulties or stresses of the family.
    Imagine just such an average day for your family, and what it might look like to an observer. What are the difficulties that might arise? What periods of the day are consistently stressful?
    A day or two after my home visit, I meet with the parents. We begin these “post-visit” meetings with an interesting, usually very moving discussion about family values. By this I do not mean the term co-opted by politicians to convey whatever they may be promoting at the time. Imean the couple’s own vision of their family, how they imagined it before they had children. It is important for them to dream their way back, before stepping forward, to reclaim the images and hopes most central and dear to them. These are the images that guide them through the work ahead. And simplification helps enormously in recovering those dreams.
    One of my favorite pictures of my wife is one I took when she was pregnant with our first child, sitting in a rocking chair looking off, deep in thought. It’s clear she was thinking about the future. We all had these visions, these dreams of how we wanted our family to be. How did you imagine your children? How did you picture yourselves as parents? You no doubt talked about aspects of your own upbringing … those you wanted to emulate, and others that you wanted to avoid at all costs. How did you imagine your home, with children?
    As parents we don’t often get to live the ideals. Not a spectator sport, parenting is about being in the thick of it. We may be the architects of our family’s daily lives, but it’s hard to draw blueprints of something that is constantly changing and growing. With kids you don’t have much time to dream, and most parents are surprised by how far they’ve strayed from the dreams they once had for their family. It’s true, they had sketchy data at the time. (Which one of you was pushing for the white couch? And wasn’t there talk of “Let’s just get one toy chest, and keep everything in that”?)
    Even if some of the details were unrealistic, your dreams about your family had truth to them. They