Silver Wedding Read Online Free PDF Page A

slipping off the stage - Helen to her convent, Brendan to his remote rocky farm in the West of Ireland.
    Only Anna who lived two rail journeys away was even remotely around.
    A great wave of despair came over her. She knew she must not lose her temper, that the whole visit would have been useless if it ended in a row. She could hear Joe asking her mildly why on earth she took such long wearying journeys on herself if it only ended up making them all tense and unhappy.
    Joe had life worked out all right.
    She felt an ache, a physical ache to be with him, and to sit on the floor by his chair while he stroked her hair.
    She hadn't known it was possible to love somebody so intensely, and as she looked at the troubled man and woman sitting obediently on the sofa in front of her she wondered, had they ever known any fraction of this kind of love? You never could think of your parents expressing love, it was gross beyond imagining to think of them coupling and loving like real people did . .. like she and Joe did. But Anna knew that everyone felt that about their parents.
    'Listen,' she said, 'I have to make a phone call. I want you to stop worrying about dinner for a moment, and just talk to each other about what you'd really like, then I'll start organizing it.
    Right?' Her eyes felt suspiciously bright, maybe the little drinks hadn't agreed with her.
    She went to the phone. She would find an excuse to talk to Joe, nothing heavy, just to hear his voice would make her feel fine again. She would tell him that she'd be home a little earlier than she thought, would she get a Chinese takeaway, or a pizza or just a tub of ice cream? She wouldn't tell him now or later how bleakly depressing her old home was, how sad and low her parents made her feel, how frustrated and furious. Joe Ashe wanted to hear none of this.
    She dialled her own number.
    The phone was answered immediately, he must have been in the bedroom. It was a girl's voice.
    Anna held the phone away from her ear like people often do in movies to show disbelief and confusion. She was aware she was doing this.
    'Hallo?' the girl said again.
    'What number is that?' Anna asked.
    'Hang on, the phone's on the floor, I can't read it. Wait a sec.' The girl sounded good-natured. And young.
    Anna stood there paralysed. In the flat in Shepherds Bush, the phone was indeed on the floor. To answer it you had to lean out of bed.
    She didn't want the girl to struggle any more, she knew the number.
    'Is Joe there?' she asked. 'Joe Ashe?'
    'No, sorry, he went out for cigarettes, he'll be back in a few minutes.'
    Why hadn't he put the answering machine on, Anna asked herself, why had he not automatically turned the switch, like he did always when leaving the flat? In case his agent rang. In case the call that would mean recognition came. Now the call that meant discovery had come instead.
    She leaned against the wall of the house where she had grown up. She needed something to give her support.
    The girl didn't like silences. 'Are you still there? Do you want to ring him back or is he to ring you or what?'
    'Um .. . I'm not sure.' Anna fought for time.
    If she got off the phone now, he would never know that she had found out. Things would be the same as they were, nothing would have changed. Suppose she said wrong number, or it doesn't matter, or I'll call again, the girl would shrug, hang up and maybe might not even mention to Joe that someone had called and rung off. Anna would never ask, she wouldn't disturb what they had.
    But what had they? They had a man who would bring a girl to her bed, to her bed as soon as she was out of the house. Why try to preserve that? Because she loved him and if she didn't preserve it there would be a big screaming emptiness and she would miss him so much she would die.
    Suppose she said she'd hold on, and then confront him? Would he be contrite? Would he explain that it was a fellow actress and they were just learning their lines?
    Or would he say it was over?