Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens Read Online Free PDF Page B

to help him remember what not to do.

    Alex has identified correctly what’s been wrong with his thinking and behavior in this situation. The next section of the chart is designed for Alex to outline the new thinking that will help him stop avoiding. Taking the time to reflect on these questions and write answers is crucial to a successful exposure.

    Because he has questioned his automatic thoughts, Alex can identify the distortions in them and recognize that his anxious prediction won’t necessarily come true. His coping thought is a direct answer to his distorted anxious thoughts above. His realistic goal is what he will use to replace his perfectionist one; it is the observable behavior he reasonably hopes to accomplish even though he may feel anxiety while accomplishing it. The goal may be simply to not resort to safety behaviors. If Alex walks up to Ginelle, looks at her, and says hi, he gets an A+.
    To complete the chart, the most important question Alex can ask himself is “What personal value is driving me in this direction?” He’ll need to have that ready in his mind when the going gets rough; it is the compass that will keep him on course.
    But as Alex prepares, his anxious thoughts start to intensify, getting louder and more persistent. His body reacts, with his heart beating faster, his face getting hot, his muscles tensing, and his hands shaking. His mind is telling him not to do it, that she will think he is an idiot and he won’t have anything to say. It will be obvious to Ginelle how nervous he is, which will make her think he is weak and weird. If he listens to his thoughts right now, he’ll stick his head in the locker.
    If Alex is going to go through with this exposure, he’s going to have to do it with the same old drumbeat of anxious thoughts that have been playing in his head for years every time an attractive girl is around. He’s sick of that soundtrack; he knows it’s not for him, but when it’s blasting away it makes him feel anxious, and when he feels anxious his feet move him away from his values.
    The bottom line is that, like Alex, you have to decide who is going to be the boss: your reptile brain or you. You won’t move toward your values if you give all your attention to your doubts and fears. In life, as well as sports, we win by keeping our eyes and ears on the prize.

    When the drumbeat of anxiety doesn’t go away, you’ll have to focus on your coping thoughts, and, as the Nike slogan says, “Just do it.”

    Well, that was awkward! As the anxious thoughts and feelings fade away, Alex sighs with relief. And we might well be wondering, was it worth it? Would Alex have been better off simply avoiding all that pain?
    True, Ginelle didn’t smile brightly and fall in love with Alex on the spot. She couldn’t even remember his name. Alex isn’t really sure what she thinks about him now; she might even be laughing at him.
    After any exposure or any social interaction, shy people often begin obsessing about what they may have done wrong. Thoughts like “I should have said . . .” and “Why didn’t I . . .?” echo in their heads. Replaying what they should have done is more perfectionist thinking. Nobody can meet that standard, and if Alex evaluates his experience on those terms he’ll feel like a failure and go back to avoiding Ginelle.
    The important things for Alex to ask himself are “Did I meet my realistic goal?” and “Did I move toward my values?” And the answer is yes to both questions. To help him appreciate what he accomplished and interrupt his “would have, should have, could have” thinking, Alex filled out this postexposure chart.

    Alex is in the pool now, up to about his ankles. This may seem like a small step, but it is an important one and it sure beats watching longingly from the deck. Ginelle may or may not remember him next time their paths cross, but if he continues using his compass he will get to know her better. He might become her friend, or