Sh*t My Dad Says Read Online Free PDF Page A

an eerie sense of calm.
    “I’m going to give you a chance right now to tell me anything you want to tell me,” he said.
    I started crying immediately and, between heaving sobs and snorts, confessed that I had forgotten to do the experiment and faked the data. My dad grabbed my notebook, tore it in half, and attempted to hurl it over the fence. But the loose pages fluttered about like a disappointing confetti celebration. He started kicking them around and then, still not satisfied, grabbed one of the dog’s toys and hurled it across the yard like a shot-putter going for the gold. When Brownie retrieved the toy and pranced up for round two of what he thought was their game of fetch, my dad exploded.
    “ALL BULLSHIT! YOU WROTE ALL BULLSHIT!” he screamed.
    “I thought you said you’d give me a chance to tell you!” I yelled back.
    “Yeah, you told me, and then it was all bullshit, goddamn it!”
    My mom hurried out to see what was happening. She calmed my dad down and led him up to their bedroom so they could talk. After about ten minutes, he returned to the backyard, still simmering.
    “You have shamed the entire scientific community. Fucking Einstein, everybody.”
    I told him I knew that, and I was sorry.
    “This is what I do for a living, goddamn it, and I take it very, VERY fucking seriously.”
    “I know you do.”
    “No. You don’t know shit. So here’s what’s gonna happen.”
    He proceeded to tell me that I had to go to my teacher and confess that I didn’t do my experiment and faked the data instead, and ask her if I could deliver an apology for cheating to my classmates.
    “And if she says you don’t need to do that, tell her tough shit, you’re doing it anyway. And I want to see the statement you’re going to read BEFORE you read it. I got final say.”
    The next day before science class I explained to my teacher what had happened, and when the bell rang she turned to my sixth-grade class and told them I had something to say. I got up and read my prepared statement, which opened with something like this: “To my classmates and to the science community, I have committed an act of fraud. I falsified my data, and in doing so, have taken a process that is important to the development of the human race and disgraced it.” After that it went on for a few more lines, but no one, including myself, had any idea what in the hell I was talking about. In between sentences, I glanced out at thirty sixth-graders staring blankly at me. After I was done reading my statement, I sat down. The teacher thanked me, said a few words about cheating, and then we moved on.
    When I got home that night, my dad asked me how it went. I told him I had read the apology and that the teacher had thanked me.
    “I’m sorry I had to be so hard on you, but I don’t want people thinking you’re a lying sack of shit. You ain’t. You’re a quality human being. Now go to your room, you’re grounded.”

On Respecting Privacy
    “Get the fuck outta here, I’m doing stuff.”
    On Showing Fear
    “When it’s asshole-tightening time, that’s when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”
    On Hypothetical Questions
    “No. There’s no scenario where I’d eat a human being, so you can stop making them up and asking me, understood? Jesus, is this how you spend your day, just coming up with this shit?”
    On Friendliness
    “Listen, I know you hate playing with that chubby kid because his mom’s a loudmouth, but it’s not that kid’s fault his mom’s a bitch. Try to be nice to him.”
    On Fair Play
    “Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”
    On Leaving My Toys Around the House
    “Goddamn it, I just sat on your goddamned truck guy…. Optimus Prime? I don’t give a shit what it’s called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass.”
    On Child Safety
    “Don’t