Shame Read Online Free PDF

leave their meeting place.
    ‘Finally … God, how worried I was, I thought something had happened.’
    Not one mean word. Not the slightest hint of irritation. He pulled her to him and she hid her face against his wet jacket and felt ashamed.
    But she wasn’t completely convinced. Not deep inside.
        
    They slept together at her place that night. When morning came and she had to leave soon, he lingered and held her in his arms for a long time.
    ‘I’ve worked out that you’re going to be gone for a hundred and eight hours, but I’m not sure I can hold out for more than eighty-five.’
    She crept closer to him and rested in another dizzying moment. She wanted to stay this time, and for once allow life itself the opportunity to make the decision.
    ‘You know I’m coming home soon, pulled by magnetic homesickness.’
    He smiled and kissed her on the forehead.
    ‘But whatever you do, watch out for those high-tension wires.’
    She smiled and saw by the clock that it was hightime she left. She had so wanted to say those three words that were so difficult to utter. Instead she put her lips lightly to his ear and whispered.
    ‘I’m so glad I was the one who became your girl pigeon.’
    And at that moment neither of them in their wildest dreams could imagine that the Monika who was just about to leave would never ever come back.

4
    I t took four days before she managed to gather her thoughts enough to begin to formulate an answer. The nights were filled with restless dreams, all taking place near large bodies of water. Enormous shapes hovered beneath the water’s surface like black clouds, and although she stood on land she perceived them as threatening, as if they could still get at her. She was thin again and could move unhindered, but something else had prevented her from moving. It had something to do with her legs. Several times she awoke just as a giant wave came rolling in towards her and she realised that she wouldn’t be able to escape it.
    The big pillow behind her back was wet with sweat. She wished she could lie down properly. For just one night, to be able to lie down and sleep like a normal person. That possibility no longer existed. If she lay down she would be suffocated by her own weight.
        
    It had been so many years since she had written a letter. She got one of the little people to buy her some stationery on the first day, but then she hid it in the top drawer of the desk. The letter she had to answer was in there too, smoothed out after having been crumpled up, and every time she passed the desk her eyes were drawn to the elegant brass fittings.
    * * *
    In the past few days some more fragments of memories had surfaced from the depths. Brief images in which Vanja was present. Vanja laughing on a blue bicycle. Vanja deeply engrossed in a book. She had distinctly seen her dark-brown ponytail, always tied back with a red elastic band. And then a vague image of the woodshed back home, whatever that had to do with the whole thing. Small shards that refused to fall into place. Small objective fragments utterly devoid of emotional content.
        
    She had emptied the refrigerator. She had eaten everything. On three occasions the urge had been so strong that she had to call the pizza delivery. The menu said half an hour, but just like all the other idiots they were never on time.
    To think that something that was empty could hurt so much.
        
    The letter was still occupying her thoughts. Most of all she would have liked to tear it up and throw it away, but it was too late. She had read the words and they had become etched inside her and were now impossible to ignore. And, worst of all, her anger was starting to subside and suddenly leave room for something else. An obscure feeling of dread.
    Alone.
    That feeling hadn’t bothered her in a very, very long time.
    The nights were the worst.
    She tried to convince herself that she didn’t have anything to be afraid of. Vanja was locked up