Screw the Universe Read Online Free PDF Page B

subordinate.
     
    “Sure,” replied Private Redshirt.
     
    “What about the captain?” asked Wally Glagrik.
     
    “I’m not carrying him.”
     
    “We’ll leave him here for the time being,” said the first lieutenant. Then he glared at Wally again. “Don’t eat him.”
     
    “Aw,” replied the devil bear.
     

     
    Lieutenant Duknerts and Private Redshirt returned to the bridge to find it painted a lovely shade of blood. There appeared to be two dozen more freshly-repaired holes in the walls, and at least half as many headless, exploded privates strewn about the floor.
     
    “Yikes,” said Private Redshirt, finishing her ice cream.
     
    “This doesn’t make you throw up but watching a bear eat a man did?” asked the first lieutenant.
     
    “What? No,” she replied. “That’s not why I threw up down there. I was just bored.”
     
    “You’re a strange person, Yvette.”
     
    “Yeah, well, you’re kinda cute when you’re scared shitless and holding brains.”
     
    “Really?”
     
    “I said it didn’t I?”
     
    “Um, yeah,” stammered First Lieutenant Duknerts. “You want to get a cup of coffee or something?”
     
    “No.”
     
    “But you said…”
     
    “I said shitless and brains. Right now you’ve got neither going on.”
     
    “I’m a little scared.”
     
    “Not enough.”
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts thought for a moment, and then formed one of the worst ideas imaginable.
     
    “Computer, call Hank in here and have him clean everything, but tell him to save the brains.”
     
    “Yes, sir,” said the computer.
     
    “Awesome. I’m going to run and get medical attention for Captain Tyler.”
     
    “Dr. Sodomy is not on board. Only Nurse Sidemanner is available at the moment.”
     
    “She’ll have to do,” the first lieutenant said. Then he turned to Private Redshirt. “You wait in the cafeteria and I’ll be in shortly.”
     
    “Okay, it’s a date,” she replied. “But don’t forget the brains! They do something for your eyes. With them, you look like you should be knee deep in sauerkraut.”
     
    “I don’t understand that, but okay.”
     
    The private and the first lieutenant left the bridge, heading in separate directions.
     
    Meanwhile, Hank entered, surveyed the calamity, processed how long it would take to clean up, decided against it, and then chose to burn everything instead.
     
    Except the brains.
     

     
    “Okay, so, Nurse Sidemanner is attempting to revive Captain Tyler, I broke into the psych ward, found Commodore Feces and told him he was in charge, I did in fact crap my pants while doing so, and I’m holding a bucket containing the brains of most of our crew. I even have a little in my pockets.”
     
    “Oh, baby,” cooed Private Redshirt, pressing against First Lieutenant Duknerts. “Let’s do this.”
     
    The first lieutenant placed the bucket on the nearest lunch table and began removing Private Redshirt’s red shirt.
     
    “No,” she said. “Keep holding the bucket.”
     
    “Yes, ma’am,” replied Duknerts, doing as he was told.
     
    The lunchlady-bot, for her part, simply cocked her head and watched the less than acrobatic pair thumping against the table. Captain Tyler had replaced her left eye with a camera and told her that if anyone should start humping in the lunchroom she was to record it. And she was not about to disappoint her captain.
     

     
    Nurse Poorbed Sidemanner was elbow deep in Captain Tyler’s rectum. Dr. Porniviriyakul stood back and watched.
     
    “Hey, Dr. Porn?” asked Nurse Sidemanner, now almost shoulder deep. “Do we have anything that can bring him back to life?”
     
    “Please don’t call me that,” replied the doctor. “And, no, I don’t think so. I know I don’t at least. Not sure what Sodomy has, though.”
     
    “Nothing cool. Where’s Tyler’s brain?”
     
    “On the counter,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’m using it as a beer cozy.”
     
    “This is supposed to be a