Screw the Universe Read Online Free PDF

not.”
     

     
    Meanwhile, back in the basement, First Lieutenant Duknerts had his hands full. Literally. Captain Tyler had run face first into an exposed pipe and cracked his skull open. During the ensuing screaming and thrashing, he had managed to shake his brain loose. Conveniently, it had landed in Duknerts’ open hands.
     
    “Holy shit!” exclaimed Wally Glagrik, Neptunian Devil Bear union president and owner of the mysterious voice from moments earlier. “You’re holding his brain!”
     
    “Holy shit!” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    Tyler’s body didn’t say anything.
     

     
    Private Redshirt walked down the cellar stairs and found her crewmates in a state of panic and death, respectively. She looked beyond them because, to be frank, she wasn’t all that concerned, and that’s when she noticed Wally standing against the wall with a walkie-talkie.
     
    “You’re the pirate?” she asked, simultaneously pointing over at the Neptunian Devil Bear’s union president and licking her ice cream cone.
     
    “I told you I’m not a pirate.”
     
    “But then why are those pirates outside attacking us?”
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts turned and faced Private Redshirt.
     
    “Brain! Dead! Tyler! Feces! NOOOOOOO!”
     
    “Yeah, okay, fine,” she replied. “I think the pirate question is more pressing.”
     
    “You should probably ask that guy, then,” said Wally Glagrik, pointing his walkie-talkie at an unwashed man with a bandana, an eye patch and a wooden leg, in a corner and trying to hide behind his own arm.
     
    “Yeah, probably,” said Private Redshirt.
     
    Pointing her ice cream at the man she asked, “You a pirate?”
     
    “Arr.”
     
    “And you’re the reason we’re being attacked?”
     
    “Arr.”
     
    “Can you stop?”
     
    “Arr,” he said. “I mean, no. Fuck you. And your Federation!”
     
    “What?!” roared Wally. “No one says an unkind thing about the Federation! Ever!”
     
    The Neptunian Devil Bear bounded across the basement in a single... uh, bound. He mercilessly mauled the space pirate, tearing him into a dozen bite-size pieces. Well, bite-size for a Neptunian Devil Bear. Even the smallest devil bear is the size of a mid-sized sedan. And Wally Glagrik was not a small devil bear. Which is why he was able to eat the pirate so quickly.
     
    Wally Glagrik burped.
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts dropped the captain’s brain in shock.
     
    Captain Tyler’s brain made a squish sound upon hitting the floor.
     
    Private Redshirt threw up.
     
    Wally Glagrik burped again and, raising two paws to his mouth, said, “Ugh, excuse me. Pirates always come back up on me. Tasty as hell, though.”
     
    “Why didn’t you just eat him from the start then?” asked Private Redshirt, wiping vomit from the corners of her mouth.
     
    “I didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. Not all pirates are evil, you know.”
     
    “He’s attacking the ship! People are exploding up there!” replied First Lieutenant Duknerts. “Didn’t you notice?!”
     
    “Well, no. It was really dark down here. And quiet.”
     
    “Why are you even down here?” asked Private Redshirt, looking around at the dank, low-ceilinged basement.
     
    “Well, it was really dark down here. And quiet.”
     
    “The guest quarters are the nicest rooms on the ship...”
     
    “Well, yeah. But then there was all this banging and screaming. I just wanted to take a nap.”
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts glared at the Neptunian Devil Bear. Private Redshirt glared at the Neptunian Devil Bear and licked her ice cream cone. Captain Tyler’s inert body stared wide-eyed at Private Redshirt’s ass. Not on purpose, sure, he was dead after all, but it speaks volumes about his character that this is what he was doing just moments after accidentally killing himself.
     
    “Should we go upstairs and see if everyone’s done shooting us?” asked First Lieutenant Duknerts, turning to his