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How could we live on that?
    You said that everything had to be sold , I said. But you kept the pianoforte .
    I bought it at the auction , Effie said coldly. With my own money .
    There was an auction?
    Unseen by Mother, Euphemia frowned at me and shook her head.
    Mother said: But I have something very exciting to tell you, Richard. Uncle Thomas gave me a strong hint that he might offer you a post when you’ve taken your degree .
    What a ghastly prospect. No sooner have I escaped Father’s sentence of death as a clergyman than I have to deal with his brother condemning me to a life in trade! I couldn’t face that topic now.
    You say we’re poor and yet you’re hiring a cook! I exclaimed.
    She won’t stay long , Mother said. She will teach Betsy to cook .
    ( And to fly at the same time , I thought.) Two weeks at the very most , I said.
    Who are you to say that? Effie demanded. You’re being very high and mighty but you’re hardly more than a schoolboy. You’ll be living on Uncle Thomas’s charity for the next two years and long before then I’ll be working and independent .
    Euphemia is searching for a post as a governess , Mother said.
    I should have been consulted about that , I said. My sister a governess! What a humiliation. I’m the head of the family now .
    Euphemia snorted.
    I don’t think you can be until you’re twenty-one , Mother said. By then you will have taken your degree and be working for Uncle Thomas. And he has no children so one day . . .
    She broke off when she saw my face. Richard , she said. Your sister and I are depending on you. I want to see Euphemia make a good marriage and I want to be proud of you and know that you are settled in life. And that I will be near both of you and able to share in your happiness .
    Mother , I said. I’ve got something important to say. Three years until I take my degree—it’s a long time. I’ve talked to the College about my future .
    She looked so anxious that I could not bear to tell her the truth. I just said: We’ve discussed my coming down sooner than expected .
    She smiled and said: So that fits well with Thomas’s offer .
    I turned away and found myself looking into Effie’s face. She is like a rock-pool when the shadow falls across it: You stare into it and see nothing but the black surface and your own reflection.
    · · ·
    Is Effie practising on the pianoforte for her own pleasure or to improve her chances of securing a post? She plays demure little “governess pieces” for the latter and thundering Beethoven with lots of fumbles for her own gratification.
    1 o’clock.
    I can’t stop thinking about Enid. I keep going back to that moment when our eyes met in church and she turned her head away so shyly.
    2 o’clock.
    The wind from the west is rising and I believe it will bring rain tomorrow. I feel the black vapours coming on. O taedium vitae! If only my trunk were here.
    A ¼ past 3.
    As I was writing a few minutes ago I heard a sound like a cry of pain. I took the candle and went out into the passage. I heard nothing. As I crossed the corridor on the first floor, I seemed to hear voices murmuring, but I think it was the wind.
    I crept up the back staircase and discovered a little room with a narrow bedstead covered by a thin blanket. Odd.

 
    Monday 14 th of December, 2 o’clock.
    I t was an oppressive cut-throat day but at least it was dry and so Euphemia set off after breakfast to walk to Lady Terrewest’s house.
    Mother and I were lingering over the breakfast-table when the fateful letter came.
    It was brought by a female letter-carrier in a much-patched topcoat and wearing men’s boots. (I later discovered she is called “Old Hannah”.)
    The old creature tottered off up the lane and I handed Mother the letter she had delivered.
    She glanced at it and then exclaimed: But it’s from you!
    She read it and then looked up at me with such an expression that I felt a stab in my heart. She said: What does it mean?
    I got into a bit