Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures Read Online Free PDF Page B

person is likely to experience jealousy even in situations where most people will not perceive a threat.
    I would also like to note that some social scientists reject altogether the notion of abnormal jealousy as it applies to the individual. They believe that what is normal or abnormal is defined by the culture and that the individual has little to do with it.
    For those who are concerned about whether someone is "abnormally jealous," chapter two and The Ronrmrtic Jealousy Questionnaire (see Appendix B) may prove helpful. In the latter readers are presented with a series of questions aimed at helping them diagnose their jealousy. Filling out the questionnaire may be interesting even for people who don't have a jealousy problem. It may make reading the rest of the book, and especially the following chapter, more personally relevant.
    After discussing some of the extreme forms that jealousy takes as, in Shakespeare's words, "the green-eyed monster," we can move on to a discussion of jealousy as the shadow of love.
    Romantic Jealousy as the Shadow of Love
     
     
    Whatever it is that draws two people to each other will shape the jealousy they may experience. One way to demonstrate this is with the help of an exercise. The exercise is especially recommended for people who suffer from a jealousy problem and for therapists working with such people.
    Think back to the time you first met or got to know your mate, and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right away, or at some point later) that this was the person with whom you wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the relationship gave you? Was it a feeling of security? Of being respected and listened to? Of being desired or adored?
    Now switch to the present, and consider the primary component of your jealousy, the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with your jealousy. Is it a fear of being abandoned? Is it humiliation and loss of face? Is it loss of self-esteem? Is it a rage at being lied to?
    The third part of this exercise is the hardest, the most challenging, and the most significant. Think: Could there be some connection between the things That the relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy?
    Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted people to each other-the most valuable thing the relationship gave them initially-and the primary components of their jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed the shadow of love. It also serves as a reminder to people that they didn't just happen to be in their relationship. They chose to be in it. Something in themselves attracted them to their mate. And something in themselves makes them experience jealousy the way they do. That something is their romantic image.
    Psychologists have invested a,great deal of effort in studying who falls in love with whom.' They discovered similarities among couples across a wide range of variables, including personality characteristics, intelligence, values, family background, education, income and social status, sex of siblings, attitude toward parents and happiness of parents' marriage, religious affiliation, tendency to be a "lone wolf" or socially gregarious, preference to "stay at home" or be "on the go," drinking and smoking habits, number of friends, physical attractiveness and various other physical attributes, mental health, and psychological maturity.
    Even when two people are similar in several of the traits mentioned in the list, they probably still feel that these were not the "real" reasons they fell in love with each other. Yet, after they made their romantic choice, these were the things that told them that their choice was right. The romantic choice itself-the spark the two people felt-was based on their internalized romantic image.14
    The Romantic Image
     
     
    People develop their romantic images very early in