Just think of the noise-level I was used to in Karachi. Itâs all one big bub-hub.â
âHubbub,â he corrected her.
âYou know what I mean.â
âLook, I was raised right next to the streetcar line in Chicago. My bedroom was right above the streetcar stop. And they went all night long. But I never remember being bothered. Itâs just now, now that Iâm getting older ⦠â
âOh, youâre not getting âolder,ââ she said, âjust âmaturing.â Whatâs the word in Spanish for, like, âagingâ wine?â
âAñejo! Thatâs the trouble ⦠you get enough añejo and you end up in the wine-cellars of eternity!â
Which gave her the giggles.
A little tabouli and homus into the pocket of one of the pocket-breads. She reminded him of a squirrel tucking away nuts.
She was such a beautiful, perfect little thing.
âWhat Iâd like to do, in a way,â he said, ripping the other leg off the chicken, dipping it in the homus, âis to quit right now, retire, sixty-four, sixty-five. I keep asking myself âWhen have you been most âactualizedâ in life?â And the answer that keeps coming back is âTravelling, always something new.â Like today. Just a little variation. If I could just make a million on a book, Iâd get a little place in Paris, up by the Gare du Nord, someplace up in the hills, another place in New York so I could see Sarah and Itzak more, maybe even keep the place here â¦â this dream he had of total Zen actualization,
wir haben nur einmal, einmal, und nichts mehr, gewesen zu sein
⦠we only have once, once and not more TO BE, never feeling he really WAS, 50%, 60%, maybe right now, under these trees, in this brittle, dry luminous warmth on the edge of chill, up to 80%, at the moment of one of hisrare, agonizing orgasms maybe up to 90-95%, but he wanted more, and all the time, a continuous beyond-orgasm HIGH, even thinking that, yes, he should go back to Columbia, Chile, jungle, desert, join one of the psychedelic tribes like the Desaná, even the Kogi, step permanently through the psychedelic door into what he saw as Presence World where everything was sentient, alive, full of divine âpresences,â thinking that maybe what he really wanted was to simply go up like a kite and stay up forever, full-time, and never come down again.
A little tabouli, the acrid vinegar-parsley combination practically speaking to him: âI am very good for you. You eat a lot of me and you will never die.â
Then the homus, full of deserts and arabesques, veils and bells and flutes ⦠remembering Cairo in winter, the cold, cutting winds that heâd never expected.
She was all in black velour today, top, pants, black suede boots. Decompressing now, expanding out into the now. Her breasts still growing, waist âtightening,â with all her self-awareness, exercise ⦠a slash of purple lipstick, just a smudge of eye shadow.
Reaching over and ripping out half the chicken-breast, eating it almost like she was making love to it, tiny little sharp terrier teeth.
âIâd like to leave Medicine, really ⦠I know what you mean. I miss my family, Nilifer, my other sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews. Even Itzak and Sarah. We ought to see them more ⦠if Iâd had my own children ⦠â
âIf you want to try one of those fertility clinics â¦â he suggested. The big mystery, even when his equipment was fullyalive and functioning, before the slow venereal shutdown, why hadnât she gotten pregnant when everyone else in the family was as fertile as wombats?
âNot now ⦠if we just take care of what weâre taking care of.â
Sally, who saw herself as Ms. Perfumerie, but who mainly lived in depressed fear, trying the whole pharmacopeia of anti-depressant drugs that didnât seem able to touch the heart of darkness
Stephanie Hoffman McManus