Return of the Jed Read Online Free PDF

the heck was happening to my stereotypes?
    “Jed, let’s grab that table over there,” Dad said. We settled in not too far from the old guys, where I heard just enough to realize my expectations were all wrong.
    “Glad our kids never stumbled into diners screaming about brains,” one said.
    “We raised them right, that’s why,” said the other. “And we didn’t let them play video games all day, rotting their minds to the point where etiquette means nothing. Not to mention making them look as if they never got any sun.”
    It seemed the closest thing to a stereotype here was me.
    “I’m Elena, welcome to Eats,” the server said, handing us laminated menus. She looked at me. “Before I get started on those brains, would you like anything to drink? A nice hot mug of spinal fluid, perhaps?”
    “Oh, dude,” Luke said, laughing. “You got served. Literally.”
    “Can I just have a Coke, please?” I said, staring off into a corner. Ooze stains were already building in my armpits. The substance had something to do with making my undeadness pretty viable, but sometimes no Ooze was good Ooze.
    Like now.
    “You bet,” Elena said, pausing. “Sweetie.”
    “This place is really called Eats?” Dad said.
    “Of course,” Elena answered. “Maybe you noticed it on the sign outside. Clears up any confusion.”
    “I thought that was a generic thing, better than getting all creative out here in the middle of nowhere. With people driving by at seventy-five miles per hour, you don’t want to call yourself The Twisted Goat or something like that. You need something more to the point.”
    “Like, maybe, I don’t know, Eats?” Luke chimed in. “I love it in that ‘No services for the next million miles’ vibe.”
    “Exactly,” Elena said. “And we weren’t about to pay another $5,000 for another sign just because we wanted to change the name. Eats says it all—” She swiveled her head to look at Luke. “—in that ‘End of the world’ vibe.”
    “Exactly,” said Luke, thrusting his fist forward for a bump, Elena obliging him. “These guys just don’t get it.”
    “You own this place?” Dad said.
    Elena nodded. “My husband and I bought it a few years ago. He’s the one in the kitchen cooking up a plate of brains with all the fixings.”
    I held up my hand, quickly putting it down when I felt the Ooze shift in my pits. “Can I possibly change that?”
    “Absolutely,” Elena said. “Tongue? Eyeballs? Or maybe something out of the skull menu entirely. Liver? Spleen? Ah, maybe you’re a heart guy.” She turned and shouted toward the kitchen. “Rodrigo, honey, we got any hearts left?”
    A disembodied voice from the back responded, “Huh? Heart? You’re kidding, right?”
    “Apparently fresh out,” Elena said. “I’ll give you a few minutes to decide and come back. Might even check on other customers.”
    She shifted her gaze out the window. I followed it, noting Tread had curled up in the shade cast by the diner’s tattered awning.
    “That your dog out there, the one that looks like it’s never seen the inside of a tub?” she asked.
    “Yup,” I said. “That’s Tread, and I just bathed him a few days ago. He just doesn’t take well to soap.”
    “This is a quiet place and he should be just fine out there, but I’m going to keep an eye on him too, if you don’t mind. Also looks like he could use some water, so I’m going to run out a bowl for him. Maybe a dish of our chili, since some customers have likened it to dog food.”
    “Hey, I heard that!” cried the voice from the back. “I have feelings too, you know.”
    Elena laughed, as if her teasing was frequent and harmless. She lowered her voice. “Actually, our chili is excellent, but I keep that to myself lest it leads to big heads in the kitchen. Anyway, I’ll be back in a bit.”
    As she left, Luke jabbed his elbow into my ribs. “I like her. We should come here more often.”
    “We live a million miles away from