Ratastrophe Catastrophe Read Online Free PDF Page B

thieves and the local militia, and we can’t afford any more trouble with Dullitch, not after that mess-up with the Virgin Sacrifices. I still have nightmares about that . Whereas, if we get the baloon…
    “I ain’t gettin’ no b’loon,” said Groan, emphatically. “B’loons is for clowns, an’ I look like enough of an idiot in this hat.”
    “Oh come on, buddy. At least think about it,” pleaded Gordo.
    Groan gave the situation a moment’s thought. It was over in seconds. “We’ll attack the riders,” he said. “That’s what they’re there for.”
    “I vote we find out who it is, first,” said Gordo.
    Groan shook his head. “I wanna fight,” he said. “An’ kill folk.”
    “Right, fair play. So that’s one vote for you and one for me, giving me the majority.”
    A confused expression crossed Groan’s face.
    “Remember how I told you to work it out?” added Gordo.
    The horse was slowing; having been present at a number of notable land wars, it had an instinct for trouble. However, Jimmy Quickstint didn’t know this, so he dug in his heels and tried to urge it onward.
    Suddenly, there was an obstruction in the road. At first Jimmy took it for a mountain troll, but then he noticed the crocheted bobble hat and the leopard-skin posing pouch. Another distinguishing oddity, on closer inspection, appeared to be a barracuda tooth on a nipple ring.
    “First, get off the ’orse, or die,” it said. “Then you can ’and over all yer gold, or die. You’ll ’ave noticed that two of them…er…six options is you dyin’. Make yer choice.”
    Jimmy brought his horse to stop (at least, he meddled with the reins a little; the horse had actually stopped moving a few minutes before).
    “What do you want?” he asked, fearing another options-based summary of the situation.
    Groan looked momentarily taken aback. He wasn’t used to having to repeat himself.
    “Hang on, I know you!” Jimmy continued, his voice edged with genuine glee. “You’re Groan Teethgrit, the barbarian who got thrown from the Crest Tower after that business with the virgins!” The thief slapped his thigh, gave a little whistle and grinned like a hyena. “What happened to that fat one-eyed dwarf you used to hang out with? What was his name? Gordy?”
    “Gordo,” said Gordo, emerging from the thick undergrowth beside the path. His planned entrance had been rudely interrupted by the thief’s description of him as a “fat, one-eyed dwarf.” “And I’d thank you to keep personal remarks to a minimum while I’m carrying this battle-axe. You’ll find that protects against accidental decapitation.”
    Jimmy held out his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I don’t want any trouble,” he said, the corners of his mouth turning nervously upward. “In fact, I’ve been looking for you two. That is, looking indirectly. I bring an important message from Duke Modeset and the Dullitch Council. It’s a message for several local mercenaries. Dullitch has been infested by a plague of giant rats. We need someone to go into the sewers and wipe them all out.”
    “What’s the pay like?” Gordo said, almost before Jimmy had finished speaking.
    The thief considered lying about the reward money, but quickly thought better of it. Instead, he whipped a scroll from his saddlebag and unfurled it. “Says here twenty gold crowns,” he began.
    “Twenty? But that’s absolutely—”
    “Per rat,” Jimmy continued.
    There was a momentary silence.
    “Plus a thousand crowns reward money for disposing of the entire horde.”
    There followed an even longer pause.
    “This mercenary list…how, um, how many names have you got on it?” said Gordo, speaking slowly and carefully.
    Jimmy performed a quick finger count. “Seven,” he said eventually. “You, your friend, Sven Sussussafson—”
    “Dead.” Groan interrupted. “Taken out by a dragon on the Loft Rise.”
    “Okay.” Jimmy nodded. “I’ll cross that one off. Er…Ffaff