Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss Read Online Free PDF

his c ongressman. Captain Telk blew another smoke ring, lazily watching it drift. What ’ s the point of being c aptain of the most deadly attack submarine in the world if you can ’ t puff on a smoke once in a while? Idiots everywhere!
    “ Sir, they ’ ve fired a single long - range torpedo, gaining rapidly! ” announced the new sonar operator, also lighting up a cigarette.
    “ Let me see that, ” ordered Captain Telk, snatching the funny - smelling hand - rolled smoke. “ Did you buy this at the commissary ? ”
    “ Yes, sir. That shit will blow you away. ”
    “ Outstanding! ” advised Captain Telk, taking a drag off the brightly papered cigarette. “ What ’ s that torpedo doing? ”
    “ It ’ s right on us sir, ” answered the sonar operator, lighting up another joint. The XO bummed a hit, too.
    “ Jettison Eugene and fire a full spread of torpedoes aft! ” ordered Captain Telk, burning his fingers on the last embers of his appropriated joint . “ Now that was a great torpedo! ”
    “ Eugene has been hit! ” exclaimed the sonar operator.
    “ That ’ s too bad, ” added the XO. “ Eugene will be missed. ”
    “ What ’ s Eugene ’ s girlfriend ’ s name? ” asked Captain Telk. “ Yolanda, isn ’ t it? ”
    “ Oh yeah, ” said the XO. “ Yolanda is so hot. ”
    “ I ’ ll personally let Yolanda know Eugene died heroically, ” advised Captain Telk, somberly. “ I will console her with the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss. ”
    “ Sir, our torpedoes have struck their mark! ”
    The unmistakable sounds of a collapsing hull under pressure echoed through the bulkheads. The crew cheered their beloved skipper, everyone lighting up, even the lowly marines.

 
    * * * * *
     
    “ Take a break! ” ordered Sergeant Williams, squatting under the shade of the only bush for miles.
    Private Telk took off his helmet, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Yeah, I should have joined the Navy. Everyone knows squids have the best dope. Goddamn Legion!
     
    * * * * *
     
    I ntent on house searches , t he Legion patrol entered a small spider village just across the DMZ. Privates Krueger and Telk stood at a doorway, weapons poised. Krueger entered first as Telk covered. Telk followed. The room was clear.
    “ I don ’ t get it, ” said Kruger. “ You and Elena Ceausescu? That ’ s like hooking up a twelve - volt and six - volt battery. How could that ever work? ”
    “ It was love at first sight, ” answered Telk, smugly. “ Elena didn ’ t have a chance. ”
    “ Bullshit. The whole battalion has tried to get into her pants, and you break down the door? What ’ s you r secret? I don ’ t believe that ‘ love at first bite ’ story. ”
    “ When you have a battering ram like mine, any door can be crashed, ” explained Telk, shifting uncomfortably as they approached the next room. “ There hasn ’ t been a siege engine like mine since the days of Ancient Rome. When in Rome, the Romans do it my way. ”
    “ Good thing I ’ m wearing boots to wade through all the bullshit your leaving behind, ” interrupted Corporal Tonelli, covering their advance. “ Stay alert, or you ’ re going to get your ass shot off! ”
    Something moved in the room ahead. Private Telk crouched to the side, more shriveled than usual. Telk fumbled for a grenade from his pouch, setting the timer. The grenade slipped from his hand as legionnaires dived for cover.
     
    * * * * *
     
    Dr. Randal Telk was better known as ‘ America ’ s Sex Therapist ’ to billions of TV viewers across the galaxy. The President constantly called Dr. Telk for advice about interns. Dr. Telk finally blocked all White House calls for national security reasons, following advice from the FBI and CIA. One never could be sure who might be listening.
    Today Dr. Telk sat patiently , holding the hand of a distraught woman, while her arrogant self-absorbed husband complained she was ‘ never in the mood ’ even when plied with