Queen Camilla Read Online Free PDF Page A

Paris.
    Lancer said, ‘That’s not a bad poem. I wonder where she went to school?’
    He keyed in Paris’s name and registration number and the screen came up with Paris’s life history:
    Name: Paris Butterworth (19).
Father: Lee Butterworth (47), recidivist, prescribed methadone, currently unemployed.
Mother: Lorna Butterworth (51), currently employed at Grice-A-Go-Go as cloakroom attendant, many convictions for petty theft.
Sister: Chelsey Butterworth (19), pole dancer.
Sister: Tropez Butterworth (12), Arthur Grice Academy.
Brother: Dallas Butterworth (4), special needs nursery.
Paris Butterworth: 5' 1", 8 stone 3 lbs.
Medical record: Bronchitis every winter, otherwise healthy.
Menstrual cycle: First week of every month, complains of severe pain.
History: Unsettled at nursery school, constantly cried for mother. At four years could not handle eating implements. Vocabulary v. poor, when showed a picture of a cow could not name it.
    Poor standard of hygiene, frequently wore dirty clothes and inadequate shoes for bad weather. Placed on at-risk register after mother could not satisfactorily explain large areas of bruising on buttocks and lower back.
Age eleven: Failed government targets for reading and writing.
Skills: Showed some aptitude for maths and art.
Arthur Grice Academy: Paris caught up with her peers under the tutorage of her English teacher. Her project on Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s dog, Flush, earned her a pass in English Literature. However, she failed four other subjects and was permanently excluded from the academy when seven months pregnant.
Present circumstances: Lives alone with ten-month-old male child, Fifty-cents Lee Butterworth.
Father of the child: Unknown.
Current boyfriend: Mohammed Yousaf, currently in high-security wing of Wakefield Prison serving an indefinite sentence for potential terrorist activities – unusually large quantity of fertilizer found in outhouse of parents’ home. Father claimed fertilizer was for tomatoes. Attending officer reported unusually large quantity of tomatoes growing in greenhouse. Mohammed Yousaf arrested because had funny look in eye, had beard and was verbally abusive. Yousaf resisted arrest and anti-terrorist squad were called to attend before he was restrained.
Butterworth’s income: Standard single mother’s allowance £84.50 weekly. Butterworth now spends her time looking after the baby and watching property programmes on television. Non-smoker. Sexual status: Heterosexual. No sexual activity since birth of son.
    Dwayne was pleased to find out that Paris had been chaste for such a long period. He scrolled on and wasamazed to find that records of all Paris’s purchases had been listed. She seemed to buy an inordinate amount of Monster Munch crisps.
    When he expressed his amazement at the extent of the information kept, Lancer said, ‘Vulcan knows everything about us, lad. It’s like a lovely warm duvet on a cold night.’
    ‘Vulcan is the god of fire and metalwork,’ said Dwayne, who had not yet realized that imparting such facts would not endear him to his superiors.
    Lancer said, ‘Vulcan is a policeman’s best friend.’
    Dwayne said, ‘Isn’t it a bit… well… intrusive?’
    ‘I’ll tell you what
is
intrusive, Lockhart, and that’s a bleeding terrorist bomb!’ said Lancer. ‘What you’ve got to take on board, lad, is that we’re living in tomorrow’s world, today. We
are
science fiction. The Yanks have got satellites that can guide a thread through a fuckin’ needle!’
    Dwayne glanced out of the window at the grey clouds hanging over the Fez.
    Another new recruit, Peter Penny, asked anxiously, ‘Can the spy satellite see through curtains, sir?’ He was remembering last night’s humiliation when he had persuaded his wife of three years to try a daring new sexual position.
    ‘Curtains?’ asked Inspector Lancer scornfully.
    ‘Yes,’ said Peter Penny, ‘thick, velvet curtains with a lining.’
    Lancer shook his head. Was this